The paper back version of President Clinton’s book came out and in it Clinton admits that the hard cover version may have been too long.
Yeah Clinton admits his mistake in a new 200 page introduction.”
-Conan O’Brien
Author: admin
Rocky MountainOysters
What happen to the blonde who tried rocky mountains oysters for the first time?
The bull drug her 50 ft.
Solid Gold urinal
Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal
residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former
members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former
Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.
After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle
excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family’s. After a
couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing
to his wife at the time.
After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and
said, “Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he
pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?”
Marilyn’s initial look of shock turns to a sly grin as she turns to her
husband and says, “We’ve really caught him with his pants down this time! As
soon as we get home, why don’t you call up the paper and give them a little
‘insider’ information, dear?”
“That’s an excellent idea, Marilyn!” says Dan to his lovely wife. “You know,
sometimes you’re just too smart,” as he leans over to hug and give his wife a
quick kiss on the cheek.
The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been
delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over
breakfast only to see a bold headline stating “CLINTONS SPLURGE ON SOLID GOLD
URINAL SAYS QUAYLE” Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the
bedroom, “Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!”
Lost Father
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”The cop said, “What’s he like?”The little boy replied, “Beer and women!”
Olympic Wrestling Title
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s
trainer comes to him and says, “Now don’t forget all the
research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match
because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t
let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nods in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each
other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the
Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him
up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up
from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for
he knows all is lost. He can’t watch the ending.
Suddenly there’s a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the
trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up
in the air. The Russian’s back hits the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.
The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American
wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answers, “Well, I
was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the
last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right
in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!”
How often?
An older couple had been dating for some time when they decided
to get married.
They dicussed all the nessary issues: living arrangements,
payments, hoildays and of course the big day.
With alot of hesitation the man finally came out with his
question. “what about sex??” he asked hopefully.
The women replied.”i would have to say infrequently”
The man replied is that with one word or two??!!
Hillary’s Panties
One day Bill Clinton was jogging through the streets of D.C. with two of his
Secret Service agents. He turned to one and stated “I can’t wait to get back to
the White House…I’m going to rip Hillary’s panties off”. The Secret Service
Agent asked him “Why Bill? Does jogging make you hot, make you horny?
“No” said Clinton…”they are creeping up the cracks of my ass!”
How can you tell a b
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so i got to shovel again. What a
perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to
see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a
nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow , lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to
*20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! the snow plow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize that I
would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I thought was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t
admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe
I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin’ snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up and
go to out to shovel then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.
December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she…… NUTS?!?! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.
December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the Son of
a Bitch who drives the snowplow, I’ll drag him though the snow
by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin’
snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and
I hit him over the head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a
Wonderful Life” one more time. I’m going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million
dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. 9″ predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more Shoveling!!
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
A-Hole!
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says “Hey! I resent that!”
So the first man asks, “Why are you a lawyer?”
“NO! I’m an asshole!”
Great Comebacks…
Great Comebacks
Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up
lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!
Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”
Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”
Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”
Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”
Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”
Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”
Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized !”
Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”
Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”
Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing”.
Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”
Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”
Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?
Josh Thinks It Over
One day, Josh went over to Ben’s to have a look at the small yacht he was selling. Ben had it on dry land because it had a small gash in its keel. But other then that, what a fine yacht it was….a mahogany deck, the latest in navigational gears, including a state of the art fish-finder. Ben wanted just $5,000 for it and assured Josh he would even have the keel repaired himself.
Well, Josh needed time to think it over so off he went fishing. He took his small aluminum boat out into the bay and it wasn’t 5 minutes later, when he got his first bite. He pulled his line in and found he had caught a nice-sized cod. As he was taking the hook out, the fish spoke to him:
Fish: “Please release me, let me go. I am the last of my species and if you put me back in the water, I will grant you a wish.”
Josh thought for a second and then said, “I wish this here small boat of mine, was a small yacht just like Ben’s.”
The following day, Josh was found clinging to a buoy after the small yacht he was fishing in, sank from damage to its keel.