“I read that the president was interrupted 73 times by applause and 75 times
by really big words.”
Author: admin
Un ni�o estaba jugando en
Un ni�o estaba jugando en el parque con su perrito cuando, de repente, se escucha una gran explosi�n en direcci�n a su casa. De inmediato se fue detr�s de los curiosos para ver en d�nde hab�a ocurrido el siniestro.
Cuando lleg�, el menor pudo confirmar lo anterior: su casa era la que hab�a explotado y, lo peor, su familia estaba adentro.
Abri�ndose paso entre los curiosos, el infante pudo entrar a la casa (o lo que quedaba de ella). El cuadro no pod�a ser m�s estremecedor: su familia estaba totalmente calcinada. En un instante se hab�a quedado sin nadie.
Estupefacta y en estado de choque, la criatura sale de la casa y en ese momento los curiosos hacen un c�rculo alrededor de �l; se hace un silencio sepulcral, y de pronto todos a coro empiezan a gritar:
“�Quiere llorar, quiere llorar…!”
Hillary’s Panties
One day Bill Clinton was jogging through the streets of D.C. with two of his
Secret Service agents. He turned to one and stated “I can’t wait to get back to
the White House…I’m going to rip Hillary’s panties off”. The Secret Service
Agent asked him “Why Bill? Does jogging make you hot, make you horny?
“No” said Clinton…”they are creeping up the cracks of my ass!”
Wishing
A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, “I sure wish I had bigger tits.”
The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and asked, “Toilet paper, what will that do?”
The man said, “I don’t know, but look what it’s done for your ass!”
Raggedy Ann
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A little red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
New book
The paper back version of President Clinton’s book came out and in it Clinton admits that the hard cover version may have been too long.
Yeah Clinton admits his mistake in a new 200 page introduction.”
-Conan O’Brien
Luego de la creaci�n, cuando
Luego de la creaci�n, cuando Ad�n y Eva ya sab�an de las delicias de la manzana prohibida despu�s de haber cometido el famoso pecado original, a Dios se le ocurri� hacer una visita al Para�so para contemplar su creaci�n y ver a su imagen y semejanza: Ad�n.
Pasada una breve charla, al Mero-Mero se le ocurre preguntar por Eva. Al ser interrogado, Ad�n se vio obligado a contarle todo el asunto de la manzana y seguidamente le comunic� al Creador que �sta andaba lav�ndose el ‘chunche’ en el r�o…
Rayos y truenos inundaron el Cielo reflejando la furia del Se�or. Y fue en medio de aquel estruendo que la voz de Dios se abri� paso:
“!Jueputa! �Pero qu� hiciste?… �AHORA TODOS LOS PESCADOS VAN A OLER A ESA MIERDA!”
You might be a redneck if…pocketknife
Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so i got to shovel again. What a
perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to
see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a
nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow , lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to
*20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! the snow plow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize that I
would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I thought was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t
admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe
I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin’ snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up and
go to out to shovel then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.
December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she…… NUTS?!?! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.
December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the Son of
a Bitch who drives the snowplow, I’ll drag him though the snow
by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin’
snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and
I hit him over the head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a
Wonderful Life” one more time. I’m going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million
dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. 9″ predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more Shoveling!!
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Cheerios!
6 year old Marilyn and 4 year old Little Johnny were upstairs playing in their play room. Marilyn said “I think it’s about time we start swearing. Don’t you?”Little Johnny nodded in agreement.Marilyn said “Ok, I say ‘ass’ and you say ‘hell.'”Little Johnny again nodded his head in agreement and they went downstairs for breakfast. Their mom asked Marilyn what she wants to eat.Marilyn replied “Well hell mom, I’ll have some Cheerios.”Her mom spanked her and sent her to her room. She then asked Little Johnny what he wanted for breakfast.Little Johnny said “I don’t know, but you bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
A-Hole!
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says “Hey! I resent that!”
So the first man asks, “Why are you a lawyer?”
“NO! I’m an asshole!”
How do you get an
How do you get an [ethnic] down from a tree?
– You cut the rope.