Author: admin

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his
dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he
finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes
better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date
the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives
at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
“I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I am running a bit late. Please come
in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they
are both deaf mutes.”

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to
her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is
a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely
silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and
mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, mom jumps from her
chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a
glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, dad launches
himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her
from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a
match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into
eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

Ten minutes later, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready
for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young
man completely distracted by the ongoings earlier in the living
room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, “What’s the matter? Have
I done something wrong?” “No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s
just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for
you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumps from
her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and
throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that
weren’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over
the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and
places a match stick by his eye.”

“Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.

The man can’t believe her casual response.

“That’s how they communicate! Mom was simply saying, ‘Are you
going to get this asshole a drink?’ and dad replied, ‘No, fuck
him. I’m watching the match.'”

A lawyer died and was sent to hell for his numerous misdeeds. Satan decided to
give him a guided tour and let him choose the room he wanted to stay in for all
eternity.
The first room Satan brought him to be full of people standing on their heads
in four feet of hot coals. The lawyer decided that such living conditions were
not for him.
Next, Satan showed him a second room filled with lost souls standing on their
heads in four feet of sharp ice cubes. The lawyer said he was sensitive to cold
and could not spend eternity this way.
Satan then showed the lawyer the final room. This room had countless sinners
and criminals standing upright in four feet of cow dung. All the people were
drinking coffee. Although the stench was overpowering, the lawyer liked the
sight of coffee and decided upon this room.
Five minutes after Satan locked the lawyer into his final abode, the
supervising demon walked into the crowd and shouted, and �Coffee break is over!
Everyone back on their heads!”

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.

As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

“No!” yelled the farmer, “Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they’re delicious! They’re called Sheep Fries!”

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer’s wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days….and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, “It’s the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!”

Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Tanilazing

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose
12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The
red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting
polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your
head repeatedly on the wall.