Author: admin

A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth. He said, “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose
12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The
red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting
polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your
head repeatedly on the wall.

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.PreparationFriday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, ‘Any chance of na nookie?’The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, ‘Awaity f*** ya bam.’ForeplayForeplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, ‘Here we go, here we go, here we go.’ Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.Initial problemsAfter 12 pints, sometimes the man’s Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, ‘Ya useless bastard,’ or possibly, ‘It never happens tae ra milkman.’FellatioOral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, ‘Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?’The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. ‘Go on yersel,’ she says, ‘list dinnae disturb me.’Down to businessEventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, ‘F*** me, I’ve shot ma load.’If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she’s the nicest woman he’s ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, ‘Shite, arsehole.’The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, ‘Are you sure it’s in?’Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, ‘Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.’Eventually it’s all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.There’s no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.