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Newly married

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A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ‘Maxwell House Coffee’.

The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, ‘Satisfaction to the last drop…’

So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.

After a week, there was a message that read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses’.

So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says, ‘Full size, king size’.

And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one’s wedding. Mother is anxious.

After four weeks came the message: ‘British Airways’. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

SPOD Report

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SPOD (Stupid People of the Day)

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter in to the ER right away.

*********************************

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they
took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite
surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency
locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no
longer employed here.

********************************

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static
electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in
one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, “You
can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod…” That
was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

********************************

I worked for a while at a Walmart store, selling sporting goods.
As an employee of Walmart you are sometimes required to make
storewide pages, e.g., “I have a customer in hardware who needs
assistance at the paint counter.” One night a tentative female
voice came over the intercom system with the following message:
“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”

*********************************

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the
officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the
side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “RADAR
TRAP AHEAD.” A little more investigative work led the officer to
the boy’s accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet,
full of change.

*********************************

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his
cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a
bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer
and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
“Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found
them in the hallway.” “Now,” she said, “if only I could find my
gerbil.”

Stevie Wonder vs. Jack Nicklaus

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Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.

Nicklaus: How is the singing career going?

Wonder : Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in
all I think it’s pretty good. By the way, how’s the golf?

Nicklaus: Not too bad, I’m not winning as much as I used to, but I’m still
making a bit of money. I’ve had some problems with my swing but I
think I’ve got that right now.

Wonder : I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I
play it seems to be all right.

Nicklaus: You play golf?

Wonder : Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.

Nicklaus: But…you’re blind, how can you play golf if you’re blind?

Wonder : I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to
me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice.

Nicklaus: But how do you putt?

Wonder : I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me
with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his
voice.

Nicklaus: What’s your handicap?

Wonder : Well, I play off scratch.

Nicklaus: [Incredulous] We’ve got to play a round sometime.

Wonder : Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money,
and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.

Nicklaus: [Thinks about it for a bit] OK, I’m game for that, when would
you like to play?

Wonder: Pick a night.

Random

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

Lipstick.

Some useful bits of info!

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Bits of information to help you through the day:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn’t the pig included here?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmm…..)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of…?)
(Did the gov’t pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(I’m sure glad somebody found that out!)

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.
( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home! What the….”)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig… quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(hmmm…chocolate…doh!…not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have any brains.
(…and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Batiste and a catholic preacher

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A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his
brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the
catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. “Oh, I am so sorry, that was
my fault,” says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon
start talking about their professions to pass the time.

“You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don’t drink wine to
represent Christ’s blood.” The catholic preacher responds, “Well, we believe
that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead.” “I have a bottle
of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let’s drink a little
right now while waiting for the cops.”

“Oh, no I couldn’t, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the
catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours
a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. “That wasn’t
that bad, you’re right,” the catholic preacher says. Noticing the Baptist hasn’t
drank his wine, he asks, “Aren’t you going to have some?”

“Oh sure,” the other replies, “I’ll wait until after the cops come though.”

Red Eared Blonde

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A blonde with two red ears went to the doctor.

She explained: ‘I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it on my ear.’

‘Oh Dear!’ exclaimed the doctor in horror. ‘But … what happened to your other ear?’

‘The jerk called back.’

The Leprechaun Of Th

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A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away,” the boy said. He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hands!” “Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.”

Childish Proverbs

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A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than………………..punch a 5th grader. Strike while the…………………….bug is close. It’s always darkest before…………..daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of…………termites. You can lead a horse to water but ………..how? Don’t bite the hand that…………………..looks dirty. No news is…………………….impossible. A miss is as good as a……………………Mr. You can’t teach an old dog…………………math. If you lie down with dogs, you…….will stink in the morning. Love all, trust……………………me. The pen is mightier than………………….the pigs. An idle mind is………………….the best way to relax. Where there is smoke, there’s…………..pollution. Happy is the bride who………………gets all the presents. A penny saved is…………………….not much. Two is company, three’s…………………The Musketeers. None are so blind as………………..Helen Keller. Children should be seen and not……….spanked or grounded. If at first you don’t succeed…………get new batteries. You get out of something what you…….see pictured on the box. When the blind lead the blind……………..get out of the way. There is no fool like………………………Aunt Edie. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and……you have to blow your nose.

25 ways to cope with stress

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25 Ways To Cope With Stress

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.
See how many you can do at once.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says “Have a nice day,” tell them you have other
plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you’ve already done.

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

7. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send them off to
pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.

9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them
from high places.

10. Leaf through a “National Geographic” and draw underwear on
the natives.

11. Tattoo “out to lunch” on your forehead.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next
day.

13. Buy a subscription of “Sleezoid Weekly” and send it to your
boss’s wife.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Drive to work in reverse.

16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

17. Tell your boss to “blow it out of your mule” and let him/her
figure it out.

18. Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.

19. Polish your car with ear wax.

20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret
messages.

21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it
comes back to you.

22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend
they’re in jail.

25. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Bonus. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place
it back in the wrapper.

Southern California Driver’s License Application

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Name: ______________ Stage name: ___________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: ____________________

Publicist _____________ Manicurist/hair stylist ___________

Sex: __ male __ female __ formerly male __formerly female __ both __

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
a motor vehicle in any way? Yes ___ No ___

Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer/Waiter
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Panhandler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________

Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car: ____

Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.______

Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue ] Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the Net via your laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

Please indicate if you drive a:
a) Beamer,
b) Lexus,
c) Mercedes, or
d) Toyota. If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to
normal delivery time for your driver’s license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zantax;
e) Viagra.
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
d) reload before coming to a complete stop.