Q. What would happen to Snoop Dog, if he married Scooby Doo?
A. He would become Snoop Dog Doo.
Author: admin
Q. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?…
Q. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?
A. She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
black baby
how do you baby sit a black baby?….
you wet his lips and stick him to a window!
how do you get him off? slide him to the corner!
(im not racest just to let you know)
The calling
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, ”Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.” ”That’s okay with us,” the mother said, ”But what made you decide to be a minister?” ”Well,” the boy replied, ”I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.”
Health Inspector
The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.”That’s nothing,” said the manager, “you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!”
Stevie Wonder vs. Jack Nicklaus
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.
Nicklaus: How is the singing career going?
Wonder : Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in
all I think it’s pretty good. By the way, how’s the golf?
Nicklaus: Not too bad, I’m not winning as much as I used to, but I’m still
making a bit of money. I’ve had some problems with my swing but I
think I’ve got that right now.
Wonder : I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I
play it seems to be all right.
Nicklaus: You play golf?
Wonder : Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.
Nicklaus: But…you’re blind, how can you play golf if you’re blind?
Wonder : I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to
me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice.
Nicklaus: But how do you putt?
Wonder : I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me
with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his
voice.
Nicklaus: What’s your handicap?
Wonder : Well, I play off scratch.
Nicklaus: [Incredulous] We’ve got to play a round sometime.
Wonder : Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money,
and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.
Nicklaus: [Thinks about it for a bit] OK, I’m game for that, when would
you like to play?
Wonder: Pick a night.
Newly married
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ‘Maxwell House Coffee’.
The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, ‘Satisfaction to the last drop…’
So the mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married.
After a week, there was a message that read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses’.
So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says, ‘Full size, king size’.
And the mother is happy.
Then it comes to the third one’s wedding. Mother is anxious.
After four weeks came the message: ‘British Airways’. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.
The ad reads: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’
Random
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
Some useful bits of info!
Bits of information to help you through the day:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn’t the pig included here?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmm…..)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of…?)
(Did the gov’t pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.
(I’m sure glad somebody found that out!)
A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.
( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home! What the….”)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig… quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(hmmm…chocolate…doh!…not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have any brains.
(…and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.
Chemistry song 16
Lab Reports(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)Dashing through the labwith a tan page lab reportTaking all those testsand laughing at them allBells for fire drills ringmaking spirits brightWhat fun it is to laugh and singa chemistry song tonight.Oh, lab report, lab reports,reacting all the wayOh what fun it is to studyfor a chemistry test today, Hey!Chemistry test, chemistry testisn’t it a blastOh what fun it is to takea chemistry test and pass.
The Leprechaun Of Th
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away,” the boy said. He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hands!” “Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.”
Make three correct guesses consecutively
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.