Q. What would happen to Snoop Dog, if he married Scooby Doo?
A. He would become Snoop Dog Doo.
Author: admin
Q. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?…
Q. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?
A. She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
Make three correct guesses consecutively
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
America called the land of opportunity
Why is America called the land of opportunity?
Because only in America could the lowest intern bring down the most powerful
man.
Skiing season training
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!
Cats and Teenagers
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.>>
The Sick Husband
There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband. He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him — her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did. When the wife came out, the husband asked her, �so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?� And the wife said, �Yes, honey, I’m afraid you’re going to die.�
SPOD Report
SPOD (Stupid People of the Day)
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter in to the ER right away.
*********************************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they
took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite
surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency
locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no
longer employed here.
********************************
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static
electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in
one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, “You
can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod…” That
was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
********************************
I worked for a while at a Walmart store, selling sporting goods.
As an employee of Walmart you are sometimes required to make
storewide pages, e.g., “I have a customer in hardware who needs
assistance at the paint counter.” One night a tentative female
voice came over the intercom system with the following message:
“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”
*********************************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the
officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the
side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “RADAR
TRAP AHEAD.” A little more investigative work led the officer to
the boy’s accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet,
full of change.
*********************************
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his
cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a
bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer
and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
“Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found
them in the hallway.” “Now,” she said, “if only I could find my
gerbil.”
CPR Class
Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.
Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She says she can’t feel her legs!”
Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you…
Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon
Programmer
- “Specifications are for the weak and timid!”
- “This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual Pentium processors
if I am to do battle with this code!” - “You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in
the original Klingon.” - “Indentation?! – I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!” - “What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software
‘releases’. Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of
designers and quality assurance people in its wake.” - “Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ – they have
‘arguments’ – and they always win them.” - “Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle
the weak.” - “I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.” - “A true Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!”
- “By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my
family… Prepare to die!” - “You question the worthiness of my code?
I should kill you where you stand!” - “Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!”
If you want to make
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
The Leprechaun Of Th
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away,” the boy said. He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.” Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hands!” “Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.”