Author: admin

Do as I say!

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One night a couple known for their arguments was at it again.

This time it was because she hadn’t fed the dog, and man did he love that mutt.

Towards the end of the arguement, he was walking out, coat in hand, yelling about how she better feed his dog, and as a treat, give him one of those bones he likes.

With a smirk on her face, she silently nodded her head and watched him walk out.

An hour later when he returned, he and his buddy caught his wife fucking the dog!

With a shocked expression, he stuttered out, “W-what are you doing!?”

Turning to see him, she smiled like a cheshire cat and replied, “Well… you said to give him a bone he likes, so I did!”

Submitted by whisperin_bullhorn
Edited by Curtis

Un psic�logo se dedica a

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Un psic�logo se dedica a aplicar ex�menes para estimar el coeficiente intelectual de la gente. Una de las preguntas en el test es contar del uno al diez. Llega el primer entrevistado:

“A ver, cuente del uno al diez”.

“Diez, nueve, ocho, siete, seis, cinco, cuatro, tres, dos, uno”.

“�Qu�?”

“Uy, perd�n, es que ver�, como yo trabajaba en la NASA, me acostumbre a contar al rev�s y…”

Aparece el segundo:

“A ver, preste atenci�n porque esta pregunta es muy f�cil pero le puede hacer perder puntos; cu�nteme del uno al diez.”

“Uno, tres, cinco, siete, nueve, dos, cuatro, seis, ocho, diez.”

“�Qu�?”

“Ay, lo siento, ver�, es que yo trabajaba de cartero, y claro, acostumbrado a ver los n�meros pares a un lado de la calle y los impares al otro pues…”

Finalmente entra un tercer individuo:

“Bueno, y ahora llegamos a una pregunta un poco delicada porque �usted sabr� contar, verdad?”

“Hombre, por supuesto. Sepa que yo soy diputado y que para conseguir mi trabajo tuve que pasar unas oposiciones muy duras para las que deb� estudiar mucho”.

“Aj�, me alegro. Bueno, pues cu�nteme del uno al diez”.

“Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, sota, caballo, rey…”

65 Bumper Stickers!

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TOP BUMPER STICKER’S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don’t Succeed…blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong…
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over…[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that precious.
64. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Explorer in the Amazon

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Once there was an explorer lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a
few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of
blood-thirsty natives. He looks up to the sky and says, “Oh my God, I’m
screwed!!” All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and then there is a beam of
light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, “No, you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of
the chief.” So the explorer looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it
up, and bash the life out of the cheif, who is standing right in front of
him. And he stands on the chief, triumphant, puffing and puffing, with the
bloody stone in his hand. And the chief is down on the ground, bleeding
and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief. Now, the sky
opens up once again, and the voice booms out… “NOW, you’re screwed.”

Skiing season training

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Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!

10 things about pHs

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1.Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says,
‘How’s my driving? Call 1 800 ****”**.’

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Newly married

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A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ‘Maxwell House Coffee’.

The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, ‘Satisfaction to the last drop…’

So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.

After a week, there was a message that read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses’.

So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says, ‘Full size, king size’.

And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one’s wedding. Mother is anxious.

After four weeks came the message: ‘British Airways’. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’