Author: admin

george gets help

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One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington’s ghost.
Bush asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised
George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the
dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?” Bush asked. “Cut
taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.

Bush didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another
figure movinginthe shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, now
that I have been elected President?” Bush asked. “Go to the
theatre,” replied Abe.

A Well Researched Case for Alcohol

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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Redneck Sex Ed

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The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.”Pop,” he drawled, “Ah’m jest not sure Ah know what t’do.” “It’s simple,” said his father.”Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses.” Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.

Do as I say!

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One night a couple known for their arguments was at it again.

This time it was because she hadn’t fed the dog, and man did he love that mutt.

Towards the end of the arguement, he was walking out, coat in hand, yelling about how she better feed his dog, and as a treat, give him one of those bones he likes.

With a smirk on her face, she silently nodded her head and watched him walk out.

An hour later when he returned, he and his buddy caught his wife fucking the dog!

With a shocked expression, he stuttered out, “W-what are you doing!?”

Turning to see him, she smiled like a cheshire cat and replied, “Well… you said to give him a bone he likes, so I did!”

Submitted by whisperin_bullhorn
Edited by Curtis

The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs

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16> Takes phone calls only if the caller agrees to do a hit of helium first.

15> Spent the last 15 minutes of yesterday’s show clearing his throat.

14> His response to every caller: “Dave’s not here, man.”

13> Cannot refer to Eli Lilly without adding the phrase “makers of some mighty fine sh*t.”

12> “Microphones! There are microphones everywhere!!”

11> Every call is screened through a rigorous “Are you a cop? You sure? You gotta say so or else it’s entrapment, man!” line of questioning.

10> Claims he can do his show “with half my stash hidden under my bed just to make it fair.”

9> While interviewing Barbara Bush, constantly refers to her son as George Washington and adds how much “you two dudes look alike.”

8> He’s talking into an iced-tea spoon.

7> Ted Nugent cuts the interview short and advises the host to “try decaf.”

6> He’s on a seven-second delay even when he’s OFF the air.

5> Refuses to give out the show’s telephone number because “The Man can trace it, dude!”

4> Takes payola only in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.

3> Calls for drastic retaliation against Arab states for their nuking of Arizona and the poisoning of President Palmer.

2> Can’t stop giggling long enough to hear what “Dick in Buffalo” has to say.

1> Begins every news segment with: “First, let’s go to my beeper for a quick look at the traffic.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]