Author: admin

Tough Teacher

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Needless to say, he had no trouble with discipline *that* term.

Know When YOU'RE

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Fellow 1: “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”Fellow 2: “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”Fellow 1: “The judge told him.”

george gets help

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One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington’s ghost.
Bush asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised
George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the
dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?” Bush asked. “Cut
taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.

Bush didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another
figure movinginthe shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, now
that I have been elected President?” Bush asked. “Go to the
theatre,” replied Abe.

Holey Ice Cubes

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Paddy O’Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale “Irish” pub.”Amazin’, just amazin’, that’s what America is,” he said, looking with delight into his glass.”Never have I been seein’ an ice cube with a hole in it!””Oi sure have,” said his host, Michael Sullivan.”Bin married to one fer fifteen years.”

Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder

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  • Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
  • You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
  • Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
  • Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
  • No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…
  • Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.
  • Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
  • Rides in your car with its head out the window.
  • She’s a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
  • You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
  • Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.
  • Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
  • After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
  • Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
  • Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
  • Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

This guy swallows his glass eye…

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A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s butt was that glass eye staring right back at him! “You know,” said the doctor, “you really have to learn to trust me.”

A Well Researched Case for Alcohol

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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.