Fellow 1: “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”Fellow 2: “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”Fellow 1: “The judge told him.”
Author: admin
Untitled joke
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
yo mamma is so fat when she halls ass she…
yo mamma is so fat when she halls ass she has tomake two trips
This guy swallows his glass eye…
A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s butt was that glass eye staring right back at him! “You know,” said the doctor, “you really have to learn to trust me.”
A glass eye
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s ass was that eye staring right back at him.’You know, ‘ said the doctor, ‘you really have to learn to trust me.’
You’re a wanker
Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.Chris: ‘I reckon he’s an accountant. ‘ James: �No way – he’s a stockbroker. ‘ Chris: �He’s no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here. ‘ The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Chris: ‘ ‘Scuse me.. . no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.’ Suit: �No offence taken. I’m a logical scientist by profession. ‘ Chris: ‘Yeah, so what’s that then. ‘ Suit: ‘I’ll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?� Chris: ‘Er. . . mmm. . . well yeah, I do as it happens. ‘ Suit: `Well, it’s logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?’ Chris: ‘It’s in a pond’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?’ Chris: ‘As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?’ Chris: �As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house. . . built it myself.’ Suit: ‘well, given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you’re probably married.’ Chris: ‘Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.’ Chris: ‘Yep! Four nights a week. ‘ Suit: ‘Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?’ Chris: �Me? Never!’ Suit: ‘Well, there you are, that’s logical science at work.’ Chris: ‘How’s that then?’ Suit: ‘From finding out that you had a goldfish. I’ve told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. ‘Chris: ‘I ,see. That’s pretty impressive… thanks mate.’Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.James: ‘I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?’Chris: ‘Yep! He’s a logical scientist.’James: ‘What’s that then?’Chris: ‘I’ll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?’James: ‘Hope. ‘Chris: ‘Well then, you’re a wanker.’
Holey Ice Cubes
Paddy O’Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale “Irish” pub.”Amazin’, just amazin’, that’s what America is,” he said, looking with delight into his glass.”Never have I been seein’ an ice cube with a hole in it!””Oi sure have,” said his host, Michael Sullivan.”Bin married to one fer fifteen years.”
Satan Claus
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching
on the devil.
One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s
probably just your dad.”
Seal
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Little Jonny
One day, a little girl was going to Sunday School, when she saw little Jonny.
Nwo, Little Jonny always had trouble staying awake in class, so the little girl decided to help him.
The Sunday School teacher asked, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”
The little girl poked Jonny in the back with her pencil, to which he replied, ” Jesus Christ!”
“That is correct, now sit down and no yelling.”
The teacher then asked, “Who was the man that died on the cross for us?”
The little girl poked Jonny in the back again, to which he replied,” Good Lord!”
“That’s correct. NOw sit down and stop yelling.”
Then she asked, ” What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 32nd child?”
once again the little girl poked Jonny in the back to which he replied,” If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will grab it and break it in half!”
Plane Ride
Michael Jackson was on a plane with the president, a librarian, and some kids. The pilot came out and said the plane was going to crash. He said there wasnt enough parachutes for everyone, but he was the pilot and had to drive other planes so he should live.
The president said, “im the president i have to run the country so i should live”
The librarian said, “theres 2 parachutes left, fuck the kids, save yourself”
Michael Jackson said, “i already did”
A Well Researched Case for Alcohol
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.