Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a
famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and
report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he
received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

Alaskan Drunk Goes Fishing

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, “YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, “YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”The drunk looks up and says, “God? Is this God trying to warn me?”The voice says “NO, I’M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK.”

NOTICE:

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices…

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

Las diez cosas que una

Las diez cosas que una mujer har�a si se despertara con pene:

10. Ser ascendida m�s r�pido en su trabajo.
9. Conseguir una mamada.
8. Ver por qu� es tan fascinante “pegarle a la carne”.
7. Hacer pip� parada y poder hablar al mismo tiempo con alguien al lado.
6. Averiguar por qu� no pueden atinarle al retrete constantemente.
5. Sentir lo que es estar al otro lado de un orgasmo.
4. Tocarse y rascarse en p�blico sin importar que tan impropio se pueda ver.
3. Brincar de arriba a abajo completamente desnuda, con una erecci�n, para ver si se siente tan chistoso como se ve.
2. Entender la raz�n cient�fica de lo que ocurre entre los ojos de un hombre y una regla situada al lado de su miembro en erecci�n, que causa que sea menos de dos cent�metros lo que lo separa del fin de la regla.

Y la primera cosa que una mujer har�a si tuviera un pene ser�a…

�Repetir la numero 9!

Blondes, lightbulbs and 911

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?Blonde: Yes.Operator: The power in the house in on?Blonde: Of course.Operator: And the switch is on?Blonde: Yes, yes.Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?Blonde: No, it’s working fine.Operator: Then what’s the problem?Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Drunk Date

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what he’s doing to which he replies, “I’m getting my date drunk.”

Headaches

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we’ve found a cure for them: you’ll have to be castrated.”

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

“All right, I guess I’ll have the operation,” he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, “I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.”

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men’s shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, “Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.”

“That’s right,” exclaimed the man, “How’d you know?”

“Well, when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up,” replied the salesman. “Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.”

“Right again,” the man said.

The proprietor suggested, “And for undershorts, I’d say a size 36.”
“There’s your first mistake,” the man said, “I’ve worn 34’s for years.”

“No, you’re a size 36 if I’ve ever seen one,” said the owner.
The man replied, “I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I’ll take 34.”

The owner replied, “Well all right, if you insist, but they’re going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!”

I Will Not

I will not waste chalk… I will not skateboard in the halls… I will not burp in class… I will not draw naked ladies in class… I did not see Elvis… I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes’… Garlic gum is not funny… They are laughing at me, not with me… I will not yell ‘fire’ in a crowded classroom… I will not encourage others to fly… I will not fake my way through life… Tar is not a plaything… I will not Xerox my butt… I will not trade pants with others… I will not do that thing with my tongue… I will not drive the principal’s car… I will not pledge allegiance to Bart… I will not sell school property… I will not instigate revolution…