Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a
famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and
report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he
received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

Alaskan Drunk Goes Fishing

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, “YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, “YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”The drunk looks up and says, “God? Is this God trying to warn me?”The voice says “NO, I’M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK.”

Rosebuds and Hanging Baskets

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very shear blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!

The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate….

The grandmother says. “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

Happy Gardening.

Doctor Joke

In a fancy restaurant in Washington DC, a Yuppie started to choke on a bone. A woman rushed over, identified herself as a doctor and reassured the man that he was going to be alright.She performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out.As the man’s breath & voice returned he said, ‘I’m ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you ?’ The doctor smiled and said, ‘I’ll settle for one-tenth of what you were willing to pay while you were choking.’

Three nuns finding sinful things

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.””What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.”I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.The third nun fainted.–From Cara

Headaches

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we’ve found a cure for them: you’ll have to be castrated.”

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

“All right, I guess I’ll have the operation,” he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, “I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.”

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men’s shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, “Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.”

“That’s right,” exclaimed the man, “How’d you know?”

“Well, when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up,” replied the salesman. “Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.”

“Right again,” the man said.

The proprietor suggested, “And for undershorts, I’d say a size 36.”
“There’s your first mistake,” the man said, “I’ve worn 34’s for years.”

“No, you’re a size 36 if I’ve ever seen one,” said the owner.
The man replied, “I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I’ll take 34.”

The owner replied, “Well all right, if you insist, but they’re going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!”

I Will Not

I will not waste chalk… I will not skateboard in the halls… I will not burp in class… I will not draw naked ladies in class… I did not see Elvis… I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes’… Garlic gum is not funny… They are laughing at me, not with me… I will not yell ‘fire’ in a crowded classroom… I will not encourage others to fly… I will not fake my way through life… Tar is not a plaything… I will not Xerox my butt… I will not trade pants with others… I will not do that thing with my tongue… I will not drive the principal’s car… I will not pledge allegiance to Bart… I will not sell school property… I will not instigate revolution…

job interview

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.” The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.” The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”