Looking Great

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he’s sitting in the doctor’s office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says, “I’ve done a lot of these, but I’ve never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What’s the story?”

To which the fellow responds, “If I’m gonna BE im-potent, I’m gonna LOOK im-potent!”

Sotally Tober

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think

I’m not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol

I’m just a little slort of sheep
I’m not like tinkle peep

I don’t know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get

just give me one more drink
to fill me cup

‘cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday me up

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Mitchell process

“There’s a lot of people in the Middle East who are desirous to get into the
Mitchell process. And � but first things first. The � these terrorist acts and,
you know, the responses have got to end in order for us to get the framework �
the groundwork � not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace,
to lay the�all right.” �George W. Bush, referring to former Sen. George
Mitchell’s report on Middle East peace, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 13, 2001

The Carpenter Son

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven,
when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side.

“Hello? Hello?”

Jesus replied, “Who is it?”

“Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied.

Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Joseph?”

The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”

Lone Ranger returns

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and
proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in
for a snort.

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, ‘who owns the white
horse tied up outside?’

The Lone Ranger said, ‘Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?’

‘Because it�s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,’ says the stranger.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

‘He’s probably just suffering from the heat,’ says the Lone Ranger, who asks
Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger
walks in and asks, ‘who owns the white horse outside?’

The Lone Ranger says, ‘That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?’

‘Oh, no problem,’ says the stranger, ‘it’s just that you’ve left your injun
running.’

Corporations… OY!

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally…

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”

By the way, these are all true!

Potential and reality

Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says “your homework is to work out
the difference between potential and reality”.Jimmy goes home and has no idea
,so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mum if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid.He asks his mum and she
says”don`t tell your dad ,but yes i would for a million quid.” Jimmy goes and
tells his dad all this and his dad says “Go and ask your little sister if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid” he asks his sister and she
says “don`t tell your dad but yes , i would for a million quid” Jimmy goes and
tells his dad this and his dad says “There you go Jimmy , thats the difference
between potential and reality.Potentially we`re sitting on two million quid, in
reality we`re living with a couple of slags”.

NOTICE:

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices…

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

Blonde Suicide

A blonde walks into a doctors office with a gunshot wound in her hand.

The doctor asks, “How did this happen?”

She replies, “Well, I was trying to commit suicide. I stuck the gun to my head and then…just before I pulled the trigger… I thought, this is going to be loud. So I covered my other ear before pulling the trigger”

Pap� Noel llega a un

Pap� Noel llega a un pa�s sumamente pobre,donde escaceaba la comida. Tanto as�, que solo com�an carne cada vez que se mord�an la lengua…

Pap� noel llega en su trineo, y todos los ni�os lo estaban esperando reunidos en un gran c�rculo. Pap� Noel se para en el medio, y empieza a hacer sus preguntas de rutina:

“Ho… ho… ho… �c�mo est�n, ni�os…?”

Los ni�os en coro: “bieeeen.”

“Ho… ho… ho… �se han portado bien?”

“siiiiii.”

“Ho… ho… ho… �Han obedecido a sus padres?”

“Siiiii.”

“�Han comido toda su comida…?”

Los ni�os hambrientos se miran las caras entre ellos, y contestan:

“Nooooooo.”

Pap� noel los mira defraudado y dice:

“�Entonces, ni�os… no hay regalos!”