Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She’s the one with the dirty knees!
Author: admin
More True-Life Accou
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence…With a Little Help from Our Friends!Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up…And What Was Plan B?An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.” And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy…not to be confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy…Some Days, It Just Doesn’t Pay to Gnaw Through the StrapsFire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month — a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”And for the Main CourseA man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.The GetawayA man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.Have I Got a Deal for You!More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. “Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.” Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.Too Well-EducatedIn Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people.”There are too many business grads out there,” he said.”If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.”And Sometimes They Just Make It Too EasyLos Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”…Ouch, That Smarts!A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.”He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.Are We Not Communicating?A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.”No, you idiot!” the man shouted.”This is her husband!”Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he uses for a knife?
A quote on marriage
My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.
what’s this?
a man walks up to a New Yorker, an Arab, and a blonde. the man
says,”Excuse me, i’d like to ask your opinion about something”
the blonde says “what’s… KNOW?”
the Arab says, “what’s… OPINION?”
and the New Yorker says, “what’s… EXCSUSE ME?”
Hickory Dickory Dock
A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, “I know I many be shallow, but they’re so small. I just can’t stand them!”
Her girl friend replied, “Look, don’t get an operation or anything like that.
I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment.”
“You do look good. OK, I’ll do it.”
She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, “Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.
Here’s what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day. And to help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn’t done them that morning.
She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She was startled when a fellow came up and said, “Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don’t you?”
“Why yes,” she said, “but how did you know that?”
He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock…….
A geologist’s song 01
The Geologist’s Come-All-Ye (a folksong) by Brenna Lorenz Come all ye lads and you will hear About the life that we love dear, Refrain: With our diddle-air-re-oh, falling rock away, knock it down, Fall-di-knock-a-rock-away, me laddie-oh! Geologists all bold and strong, We are the subject of this song. We get up with the rising sun And map until the day is done. We walk two hundred miles a day, And study rocks along the way. We fight our way through brush and trees And slog through bog up to our knees. When flies are thick, then we don’t walk, They carry us from rock to rock. We swing our hammers with a whack, Take home an outcrop on our backs. Nine hundred pounds of rock or more Is just an average daily score. If we run out of food to eat There’s always rock beneath our feet. There’s nothing quite like granite stew ‘Though graptolites are some good, too. In the evening to the clubs we flock, To drink Dominion and Old Stock. Here’s to your health and our health, too, May your life prove as good to you, As our…
How u know your drunk
when you wake up with a fat chick in bed and you go to take a shower the next morning and the only thing that got wet was your feet.
Hind Lick Maneuver
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young
lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by
her beauty,the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating
whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to
cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously
in serious respiratory distress)
One said to the other, “That gal is having a bad time!” The
other agreed and said, “Do you think we should go help?” “You
bet!” said the first, and with that he ran over and said, “Can
you speak?” She shook her head no. He then asked, “Can you
breath?” She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up
her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction
and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point,
the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that
hind lick maneuver really does work!”
Redneck Family Values
You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kid.
Corporations… OY!
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”
Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
and finally…
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”
By the way, these are all true!
Potential and reality
Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says “your homework is to work out
the difference between potential and reality”.Jimmy goes home and has no idea
,so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mum if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid.He asks his mum and she
says”don`t tell your dad ,but yes i would for a million quid.” Jimmy goes and
tells his dad all this and his dad says “Go and ask your little sister if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid” he asks his sister and she
says “don`t tell your dad but yes , i would for a million quid” Jimmy goes and
tells his dad this and his dad says “There you go Jimmy , thats the difference
between potential and reality.Potentially we`re sitting on two million quid, in
reality we`re living with a couple of slags”.
Looking Great
This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he’s sitting in the doctor’s office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.
The doctor says, “I’ve done a lot of these, but I’ve never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What’s the story?”
To which the fellow responds, “If I’m gonna BE im-potent, I’m gonna LOOK im-potent!”