Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat?
A: You’re the purrfect cat for me!
Author: admin
Bridge to Hawaii
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said,
‘OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.’
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?’
The genie laughed and said, ‘That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No, think of another wish.’
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,
‘I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing”… know how to make them truly happy. .’
The genie said,
‘You want that bridge two lanes or four?’
Monika Lewinsky and dry cleaner
Monika Lewinsky walks in to a dry cleaner’s the dry cleaner is hard of
hearing, not realizing this Monika walks up to him and say’s ” I have this black
dress and it has a stain on it”
The dry cleaner then replies ” Cum again” and Monika says ” No it’s a Mustard
stain this Time”.
Bin Ladens Death
Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death.
Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. “You will die on an American holiday.”
“Which one?” asked bin Laden.
“It don’t matter,” said the psychic. “The day you die will be made into an American holiday.”
—
Submited by Rudyard Yap
Top Twenty Things to do While in a Drive Thru
1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”
12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can I take yours?”
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.
17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
Windows Support
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation
that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home
computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let
the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”
Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you
like to initialize it’?”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And
now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC
wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole
office. Did I do something wrong?”
New Fur
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, “Mom, do you realise some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”The woman shot her an angry look, “Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!”
Addicted to email
How to Tell If You’re Addicted To E-mail
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 28.8 KBPS- modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because
they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://www.edison~/garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very
near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and
proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there
way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and
said, “These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties.”
“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire
Station. We’ll never forget you.'”
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Letters to God
ACTUAL ‘DEAR GOD’ LETTERS (Letters to God from children)
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones you have now? Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil
Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise
Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth
Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying. Elliott
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob
Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right.
Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. Mickey
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles
Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry
Q: How many bassists
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
Got Every Woman in T
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.””Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”