Q. Why did the farmer win the nobel prize?
A. Because he was outstanding in his field!
Author: admin
Advice for pilots
Advice for a young pilot, “Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.”
Two old ladies
two old ladies were sat in the cafe drinking coffee. When the fist lady asked did you come on the bus? the other lady replied yes but i made it look like an asthma attack.
If men ruled..
If men ruled the world would be different
– Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to ‘I love you.’
– Hallmark would make ‘Sorry, what was your name again?’ cards.
– When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.
– Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the bum would pretty much do it.
– Birth control could come in ale or lager.
– The funniest guy in the office would get to be the big boss.
– ‘Sorry I’m late, I got hammered last night,’ would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
– It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
– Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the ‘public ugliness’ ordinance.
– Tanks would be far easier to rent.
– Instead of beer belly, you’d get ‘beer biceps’.
– Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, ‘You’re No. 1.’
– Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29.
– Cops would be broadcast live and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
– The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
– The only show opposite Friday Night Football would be Friday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
– It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.
– Every man would get four real ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards per year.
– When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, as in:
Cop: `You know how fast you were going?’
You: ‘All I know is that I was spilling my beer all over the place.’
Cop: ‘Nice one. That’s $10 off.’
Yom Kippur is the one
Yom Kippur is the one day of the year when the Jewish people fast.
Levy was surprised to see Cohen eating in a restaurant – and oysters
yet! “Oysters? On Yom Kippur?” queried Levy with raised eyebrows.
“What’s wrong?” answered Cohen. “Yom Kippur has an ‘R’ in it.”
-Joey Adams
True…so very, very true!
A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want because it’s on sale.
A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don’t expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there’s no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Monika Lewinsky and dry cleaner
Monika Lewinsky walks in to a dry cleaner’s the dry cleaner is hard of
hearing, not realizing this Monika walks up to him and say’s ” I have this black
dress and it has a stain on it”
The dry cleaner then replies ” Cum again” and Monika says ” No it’s a Mustard
stain this Time”.
People who live in stone
People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glass.
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very
near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and
proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there
way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and
said, “These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties.”
“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire
Station. We’ll never forget you.'”
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Did you hear about the blonde who had two…
Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnent?
She blew them both.
Got Every Woman in T
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.””Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”
Top Twenty Things to do While in a Drive Thru
1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”
12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can I take yours?”
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.
17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.