What have sperm and refugees got in common?
They both come in their millions and only one fucker works!!
Author: admin
Breathe…
A blonde wearing a walkman walks into a barber shop to get a haircut.
When she sits down in the chair, the hair stylist says, “you have to take your headphones off before i can cut your hair.”
so she takes off the headphones.
A minute later she passes out.
when the paramedics get there, he picks up the headphones.
he listened to the recording. it said, “Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale…”
Mueller with his wife and mother-in-law .
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a Far East country. At
a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native
people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are
sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them is to receive 50 lashes on the
rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear
hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand,
as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment.
But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a
couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s turn.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back
before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through
the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”
“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for
you, as long as they are reasonable.”
“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes,
that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”
“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”
Raggedy Ann
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?A little red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
If your parents didn’t have children, chances…
If your parents didn’t have children,
chances are you won’t either.
Bubba Knows Everyone
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!
Once when Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I
know everyone in the whole world!” His boss doesn’t believe him,
so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world” but
Bubba says “Yes I do!” so Bubba’s boss says “Well prove it!”
then Bubba says “Pick someone and I know them!”
Well Bubba’s boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a
name.
“Tom Selleck! I bet you don’t know Tom Selleck!” Bubba say “Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were
kids!” but Bubba’s boss says “No you weren’t!” then Bubba says
“Yes we were!” so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom
Selleck’s house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba says “Tom!!!” and Tom says “Bubba!” and they
hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss can’t believe
it. But then he thinks “Well that could happen, it’s just one
person,” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick somebody
else!”
This time Bubba’s boss has someone in mind! “The president, Bill
Clinton! You don’t know Bill Clinton!” but Bubba says “Oh yes I
do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!” Bubba’s
boss says “No you weren’t!” and Bubba says “Yes we were!” So
they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a
press conference. They work their way through the crowd until
Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton’s eye and waves “Bill!”
and the President waves “Bubba!” and after the press conference
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss is stunned
– he can’t believe it. But then he thinks “Well that’s just two
people in one country – that doesn’t mean he knows everyone in
the whole world!” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick
someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!”
And Bubba’s boss knows just who to pick so he says “The Pope!
You do not know the Pope!” and Bubba says “The Pope! The Pose
BAPTIZED me!” and Bubba’s boss says “No he didn’t!” and Bubba
says “Yes he did!” So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving
Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work
their way through the crowd – without much luck – so Bubba says
“Boss, we’re never gonna get there together through all these
people so I tell you what – I’ll work my way up there and when I
do, I’ll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!” and he
leaves. Well Bubba’s boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he’s about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the
balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba’s boss passes out. Bubba comes back
and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says “Boss!
Boss! Wake up!” and when his boss comes to, he asks “Boss what
happened?” Bubba’s boss looks at Bubba and says, “OK, I can see
Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton and I can even take the
Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks
‘Who’s that up there with Bubba?’, that’s a little more than I
can take!”
Four corporate presidents, one English,
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.”You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,” screamed the terrorist leader, “and you’re going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?”The Englishman spoke first.”Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing “God Save The Queen” to all you men.””That can be arranged,” said the terrorist.The Frenchman said, “And I want to honor my country before I die by singing “The Marseilles” to your men.”The Japanese said, “Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management.”The terrorist turned finally to the American.”What is your last request?”The American replied, “I want you to kill me right now so I don’t have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!”
Q: How many lawyers
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting “Objection !”
Making the World Happy
The Clinton family was all taking a trip on a plane. Chelsea said,
“Daddy, if I threw 100 one dollar bills out the window, I would make 100
people happy.” Bill said,
“If I threw 100 fifty dollar bills out the window, I would make 100 people
even happier.”
Hillary said, “Oh, that’s nothing. I could throw Bill out the window and make
the whole world happy.”
North Dakotan and Birth Control
This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married.He and his new bride prepared for their wedding night. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in preparation for their lovemaking. She finally announced she was ready. The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls necklace he admired so much.She replied she did indeed have it, but wondered what in the world he needed it for at a time like this.He looked again at all her “preparations” and replied, “Ain’t no way I’m gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains.”
Addicted to email
How to Tell If You’re Addicted To E-mail
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 28.8 KBPS- modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because
they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://www.edison~/garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
What is the difference between roadkill and a dead
There’s skidmarks infront of the roadkill!!