You have a problem, your a syameese twin and your twin is gay, only problem is your joint by the arse.
Author: admin
DUCKS OR PLUCKS?
Q: What did did the mother duck say to the little duck. A: If you don’t behave, I’m gonna quack you one.
Worst Case Scenario
So this guy is dreaming that he’s granted one wish by a genii. He wishes to wake up with three women in his bed. Sure enough, the dream was more than just a dream, and he wakes up with Lorena Bobbit, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton in his bed! He then notices he’s missing his thang, he knees are busted, and he doesn’t have any health insurance.
What have sperm and refugees got in common?…
What have sperm and refugees got in common?
They both come in their millions and only one fucker works!!
Soldiers
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the Officer’s Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”
“But we’re privates,” protests Jasper.
“We’re sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside.
“Now, Jasper, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.
“You blind?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’re sergeants now.”
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.
“Your cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what ‘gonorrhea’ means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Jasper,” he says, “why’d you give me the okay?”
“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates. ” He points to his stripes. . . . “But we’re sergeants now.”
How Many Men Does It Take…
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!
Stupid Question
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the
time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient.
He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington
D.C.He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these
presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his
find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He
hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he’d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his
driver turns to him and says, “You know….This is completely unfair.” “What do
you mean?” asks the surgeon.
“Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that’s more
than I get paid in a year,” replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that
he is the only person that can give this lecture.
“That’s not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your
lecture so many times that I know it by heart,” says the driver.
“Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can
keep the $50,000 if you do it right.” replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, “Ok. You’re on.”
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change
coats and the surgeon puts on the driver’s hat and sits in the back of the
room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the
questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he’s done, an
audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks
a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
“You know…” says the driver, “I have done this lecture 287 times and I have
never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is
SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.”
�Qu� es un perro?
�Qu� es un perro?
Los perros pasan todo el d�a tirados en el m�s c�modo mueble que se puedan encontrar en la casa.
Ellos pueden o�r una lata de comida que se abra a media cuadra, pero no pueden o�rte aunque est�s en la misma habitaci�n.
Ellos se ven tontos y tiernos al mismo tiempo.
Ellos hacen ciertos sonidos cuando no est�n felices.
Cuando t� quieres jugar, ellos quieren jugar.
Cuando quieres que te dejen en paz ellos tambi�n quieren jugar.
Ellos dejan sus juguetes donde quiera.
Ellos hacen cosas asquerosas con la boca y despu�s te quieren besar.
Te miran directamente a tu zona p�bica tan pronto te conocen.
Conclusi�n: Los perros son peque�os hombres envueltos en piel.
�Qu� es un gato?
Los gatos hacen los que ellos quieren cuando ellos quieren.
Rara vez te escuchan.
Son totalmente impredecibles.
Cuando quieres jugar quieren que los dejes en paz.
Cuando quieres estar en paz ellos quieren jugar.
Ellos esperan que los atiendas cada vez que ma�llan.
Cambian de humor f�cilmente.
Dejan pelos por donde quiera.
Conclusi�n: Los gatos son peque�as mujeres envueltas en piel.
Mueller with his wife and mother-in-law .
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a Far East country. At
a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native
people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are
sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them is to receive 50 lashes on the
rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear
hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand,
as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment.
But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a
couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s turn.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back
before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through
the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”
“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for
you, as long as they are reasonable.”
“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes,
that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”
“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”
Breathe…
A blonde wearing a walkman walks into a barber shop to get a haircut.
When she sits down in the chair, the hair stylist says, “you have to take your headphones off before i can cut your hair.”
so she takes off the headphones.
A minute later she passes out.
when the paramedics get there, he picks up the headphones.
he listened to the recording. it said, “Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale…”
Any small object when dropped
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
If your parents didn’t have children, chances…
If your parents didn’t have children,
chances are you won’t either.