What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can’t hit a 1-iron!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Author: admin
Cliff
Q. what do u call a man with a seagul on his head?
A. cliff
Iban de paseo una ratita
Iban de paseo una ratita y un murci�lago por la alcantarilla. En eso, se encuentran con otra rata que se burla:
“�Jo, t�a, que novio m�s feo tienes!”
“S�, pero es piloto”, responde muy digna la otra.
What a Bonehead!
Several years ago we had an intern who was not very swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary.
“I’m almost out of typing paper,” he said. “What do I do?”
“Just use copy machine paper,” she said to him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining piece of blank typing paper, put it in the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies!
Response to "Rules Chicks Don’t Understand"
I read this and I just want to set this creep straight. I will
add my comment after his.
Rules chicks don’t understand:
1. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a blowjob in the morning.
Response: Do it yourself. If your dick won’t reach, you’re not
my boyfriend.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.
R: That might work. But first you must learn to aim. No lady is
willing to put down a urine covered toilet seat.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
R: Tell ya what, YOU can take care of this hair for a day and
maybe you’ll change you mind about that.
4. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship.”
R: If that were true, women would be lesbians.
5. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
R: Sunday = one of the two days of the week I’m not working
because you sit your ass in front of the T.V. set all day long.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
R: Then why do you always tell me my ass looks big in everything
I wear.
7. You have enough clothes.
R: We may, but with all the breast implants you make us get it
calls for new bras, dresses, shirts, bathing suits….
8. You have too many shoes.
R: Well in order to “look fine” in everything we wear we have to
have a matching pair with every outfit.
9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us
to like it.
R: Get a bigger dick and we’ll stop crying.
10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
your Dad probably is too.
R: Our brothers are related, they must have some intelligence.
Yes our ex-boyfriends are idiots, why else would we have dumped
them? My father IS an idiot, he gave YOU permission to marry me.
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
R: That depends on the question.
12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
R: It’s a waste of $$. He’ll only tell me to make you turn down
the damn T.V.
13. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a blowjob in the morning.
R: Again, do it yourself. If your dick isn’t big enough your not
my boyfriend.
14. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
R: Don’t do 50 things wrong and there won’t be 50 rules.
15. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
R: if we stopped faking, you’d tell us you’d rather be deceived
than ineffective.
16. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
R: If I brought it up its in my interest.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
R: If we followed that rule then we would lose all the fights
like you.
18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
R: If we dressed like Victoria’s Secret then it would no longer
be a secret.
19. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
R: Here is how. You stop looking at other women and we’ll SHOW
you and let you EXPERIENCE our true beauty.
20. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
R: Who said we didn’t want the genie to come out?
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
R: How about turning off the damn T.V. and making eye contact
with us for 10 minutes?
22. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do
we.
R: Christopher Columbus reached America, not his destination.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
R: Do you know how much we sweat down there?!?! If we didn’t air
it out you wouldn’t enjoy them as much.
24. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
off-ramp, you saying, “This is our exit,” is not strictly
necessary.
R: Your right its not. Only a blonde would say that. Because we
all know that it isn’t the exit you really want.
25. Nothing says ‘I love you’ quite like a blowjob in the
morning.
R: Again, do it yourself, if you dick isn’t long enough your not
my boyfriend.
LAUNCHED ON THE
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULYThree young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.
Cajun Virgin
In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him, “Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?”
The boy replies, “Daddy I was jus’ gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?”
The father says, “Boy don’ be tellin me you don’ know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin..”
The boy says, “Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife.”
The father replies, “So what difference dis make?”
To which the son says, “Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain’t good nuff for her own family she shore ain’t good enough for ours!”
Contacts
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Jimmy crack
if jimmy cracked corn and no one cared, why is there a song about it?
As soon as she had
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In
the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she
did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this
night, and me without me bloomers on!”
What does HMO stand for?
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day’s drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It’s best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10
co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Babies
Q. What’s easier to unload, a truck of ping pong balls , or a truck full of dead babies?
A. Dead babies, you can use a pitchfork.