A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells “Oh! So you wanna race, huh?”
Author: admin
Reality is an illusion that
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Sweet Talker
On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying �Pass the sugar, sugar…. Pass the honey, honey.� Then he says, �Pass the tea, you old bag.�
Shakespearean Pickup Lines
The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare 15> ‘How about a little Puck?’14> ‘Of course, ‘Romeo and Gertrude’ is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M’Lady.’13> ‘Et tu, Cutie?’12> ‘Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?’11> ‘If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?’10> ‘Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?’ 9> ‘My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.’ 8> ‘Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.’ 7> ‘Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?’ 6> ‘Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!’ 5> ‘Greetings to you, fair sailor.’ 4> ‘But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?’ 3> ‘Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?’ 2> ‘O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me divine thy weight.’and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare… 1> ‘Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question.’
Vroooom screech…
What goes vroooom screech vroooom screech vroooom screech?
A blode going through a flashing red light.
Wave
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.
Gossip Backlash
The town gossip (and supervisor of the town’s morals) recently
accused a local man of being an alcoholic because she saw his
pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.
The man stared at her for a moment, said nothing, and walked
away.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all night.
Una joven de 20 a�os
Una joven de 20 a�os pr�xima a contraer matrimonio se dirige con una dise�adora de trajes de novia para que �sta le dise�e la ropa para su noche de bodas. Una vez en el lugar le explica a la dise�adora que necesita que le haga un vestido con noventa yardas de tela. Indignada, la dise�adora le reprocha:
“�No crees que es demasiada tela?”
“Es que mi novio tiene 80 a�os y se divierte m�s busc�ndola que cuando la encuentra”.
New virus’s
DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Turner Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Capewell Commission Virus : Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Boss Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
National Front Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it’s bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Edgars Virus : Constantly tries to prove it’s virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Airline Virus : You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Tec Virus : Your PC stops what it’s doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Townsend Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for �2,500.
Walsall Police Station Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defence”.
Edmonds Virus : When you save a file, it prints, “I am saved!” to the screen.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won’t harm your PC, but it will wreck your car.
And finally…
Chamber Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Best golfers
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language, as he played
golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out
of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” he said, in a calm
voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”
“I guess not,” said Dave. “What the hell do they have to cuss about?”
Two Deaf People
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights
because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance,
at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast
one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast
one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times.”
Iban de paseo una ratita
Iban de paseo una ratita y un murci�lago por la alcantarilla. En eso, se encuentran con otra rata que se burla:
“�Jo, t�a, que novio m�s feo tienes!”
“S�, pero es piloto”, responde muy digna la otra.