Why do gay men have moustaches?
To hide the stretchmarks.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Author: admin
Men That Are Into Commitment
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
The wife
The wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You’ll pay for this laterThe wife says: We need to talkThe wife means: I need to complainThe wife says: Sure… go aheadThe wife means: I don’t want you to
Q: How many Evangelists
Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulb’s name.
Un tipo recorr�a la carretera
Un tipo recorr�a la carretera en su veh�culo y de repente, a la orilla ve a un cerdito con una patita de palo. Asombrado, detuvo la marcha y se dijo, “No lo puedo creer…”
Se baj� del auto y se dirigi� a un ranchito que estaba frente al animal, y le pregunt� a un
campesino:
“Disculpe la pregunta, buen hombre, �este cerdito es suyo?”
“Claro, �por qu�?”
“Oiga, �le sucedi� algo para que tenga una patita de palo?”
“Ahh… s�. Lo que sucede es que una de mis hijas, se encari�� mucho con �l, y por eso nos lo estamos comiendo poquito a poco…”
Nerdz
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ”You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?” ”I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.” ”Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. ”Why did you do that?” ”Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. ”What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver. ”Well, sure,” says the patrolman. ”But you can’t bait ’em.”
Viagra for Gramps
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited bt calamjo
Homer Simpson Laugh-Lines!
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
*****
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose … it’s how drunk you get.
*****
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
*****
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
*****
Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh… ooh… yeah… right, Lisa. A wonderful… magical animal.
*****
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who’s being naive?
*****
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
*****
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let’s go back to that… building…thingie… where our beds and TV… is.
*****
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
*****
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
*****
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you’re here?
Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge.
Homer: Ummm… revenge?
Homer’s brain: Okay, that’s it. I’m outta here. (step step step step step…slam)
*****
Homer: Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer’s Brain: It’s a deal!
*****
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
*****
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
*****
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that’s bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That’s good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate…
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
*****
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
*****
Homer’s brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
*****
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie — Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy.
*****
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience “Chicken”?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That’s not a bible. That’s a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm… fuzzy.
*****
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car’s okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
*****
Mmmmm… reprocessed pig fat…
*****
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).
*****
What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
Cheater
The blonde complained to her friend, “I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his!”
Knock Knock 19
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atlas!
Atlas?
Atlas it’s the weekend!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atomic!
Atomic who?
Atomic ache!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Audrey!
Audrey who?
Audrey be doing this!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Augusta!
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aunt Lou!
Aunt Lou who?
Aunt Lou do you think you are!
What do Monica and Bill
What do Monica and Bill have in common. ?
They both have had joints in their mouth.
Reality is an illusion that
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.