Author: admin

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

“As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes,” said the genie, “But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.”

The man’s most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. “Let’s see. My first wish is…” He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, “…to live in a ten story luxury mansion.”

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

“Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable.” said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

“What is your final wish, Master?” asked the genie”.

“I want to lose a testicle,” said the man.

1.If you throw a cat out of the window, does it become kitty
litter?
2.If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
3.Is it ok to use an AM radio in the afternoon?
4.What do chickens think we taste like?
5.What do u call a male ladybug?
6.What hair color is on the license of a bald man?
7.Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
8.Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
9.If you squeeze olives to get olive oil, then where does baby
oil come from?
10.If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
11.What would Geronimo yell if he jumped out of an airplane?
MEEEEE!!!???
12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
13. How can you tell when your out of invisible ink?
14. Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don’t you
have to get up to get to the tape?
15. Do fish get cramps after eating?
16. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
17. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
18. Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
19. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
20. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
21. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re
never in darkness?
22. How is it possible to have a civil war?
23. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was
invented but just didn’t have
anything to jot it down on?
24. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in
it?
25. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why
not move 10 miles away?
26. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
27. If a liar tells you he is a liar, do you believe him?
28. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his
walkman?
29. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a
sound?
30. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have
to drown?
31. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
32. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
33. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why
are they all still working?
34. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is
it going to be?
35. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep
doing it?
36. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON
stick to the pan?
39. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people
from Holland called Holes?
40. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up
with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
41. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and
seek, does he automatically lose
because he can’t find himself?
42. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it
with?
43. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
herself, is it considered a hostage
situation?
44. If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the iside
of the tube?
45. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
46. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with
battery?
47. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic,
wouldn’t they call you first?
48. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of
booth beeth?
49. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
50. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
51. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without
getting wet?
52. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,
would the driver end up owing you
money?
53. If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
54. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that
says — “objects in mirror are closer
than they appear”, how can that be possible?
55. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something
keep going wrong?
56. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for
a neighbor, will he complain?
57. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when
you’re done?
58. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
59. If you take a shower, where do you put it?
60. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
61. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they
taste funny?
62. Is there a Dr. Salt?
63. Isn’t it a little scary that a doctors work is called
practice?
64. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
65. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons
in their stomach?
66. Should crematoriums give discounts for burnt victims?
67. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
68. What came first the chicken or the egg?
69. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
70. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
71. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
72. What is another word for “thesaurus”?
73. When people lose weight, where does it go?
74. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their
signs?
75. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you’re just sitting
there, staring at carpeting?
76. Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the
light side of the Force?
77. Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won’t they all stop
eventually?
78. Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band
sound like?
79. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
80. Why do feet smell and noses run, yet noses smell and feet
run?
81. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated
coffee?
82. Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck
together?
83. Why do they report power outages on TV?
84. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a
suitcase?
85. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are
already there?
86. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use
them?
87. Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
88. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
89. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
90. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn’t in the least fazed by the question:

“Name the three advantages of breast milk.”

Quickly he wrote:

1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother’s body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child’s immune system.

Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he’d broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, “Where are you going?”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

He said, “Why?”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited bt calamjo