responsibility lecture

There was a family of 3 generations all living in separate
homes: The Father and mother [age 66 and 70] The Oldest Son and his wife and two childeren [a son-15 and a
daughter-10] &The youngest daughter and her husband and two children [a
daughter-12 and a son-8]

It was summer holidays for the children and the parents were all
working, so, just to let the kids play they decided to leave
them all at their grandparents [just a reminder aged 66 and 70] for thursday and friday every week until they had stopped the
working year and gone on holidays.

The children knew that their grandparents were over protective,
and also liked to chat a lot. So when the first day came, they
sat themselves down on the couch to watch some TV.
“NO NO NO! you cant just sit in front of the TV all day, you
have to go outside FIRST just for a little bit.” lectured the
grandmother.
the grandfather had left just a few minutes earlier and wouldnt
have objected to TV, it was peace and quiet for him.

So the kids went outside to find something to do. Andrew, the
oldest son of the oldest son, was bored and didnt want to play
anything, so he sat down and read a book. The other 3 had a
water fight with water pistols and water bombs and everything!
When the grandmother came out, she cracked a fit and let them
all watch TV.

Just a few minutes later, the grandmother returned and said to
Andrew, the oldest,
“Now Andrew, you’ve got 3 children in your hands now!”
“oh Gosh!” exclaims Andrew.
“Because im going out and you HAVE to be responsible!”
“Yeah whatever”
“WHATEVER!??!?!?! its not just WHATEVER, its 3 children, YOU
have to be responsible for them, you’re nearly 16!”
“and ill be driving soon, away, FAR away.”
“You should learn to be responsible!”
any way this continues for about another hour and finally when
the grandmother is satisfyed that Andrew will be responsible,
she ends it:
“fine, im going now.”
“Grandma, where are you going?”asks the youngest one.
“To the letter box, to check the mail.”

The Top 20 Signs Your List Moderator is Getting Old

20. Now edits the list using only a Kraftmatic Adjustable Bed and The Clapper.

19. Ambience – Steve & Edie

18. Send your submissions in by 4 pm and receive the Early Bird Special.

17. He sits through “Jurassic Park” shaking his head, mumbling, “No, that’s not how it was at all…”

16. Wants to replace daily TOP5 humor list with daily TOP5 senior citizen discount list.

15. Today’s topic? “Top 5 Retirement Homes for Top 5 List Moderators.”

14. Every Monday, the same topic: “Top 5 Ways to Get Those Damn Kids Off of My Lawn!”

13. Keeps trying to trade ad space on Top5 list for free meals at Denny’s.

12. Today’s Topic: “Top 5 Signs Your Local Girlscout Leader is a Humorless Old Bag” (Oops! That’s a sign your list moderator is getting *bold*.)

11. Power hungry contributors, forseeing an upcoming retirement, attempt to popularize themselves by organizing brown-nose birthday surprises.

10. Ninth “Matlock” topic this month.

9. Yesterday’s list had its left turn signal on for 6 hours.

8. Stops using Viagra jokes in his lists because they just hit too close to home, if you know what I mean.

7. Ninth #1 in a row for new contributor Angela Lansbury.

6. Fondly remembers the old days when they distributed the Top5 List via coded jungle drums.

5. One day he’s convinced himself that his cubicle job is temporary; the next day he’s getting a gold watch and a Xerox of his naked buttocks at his retirement party.

4. New hair… and you ain’t exactly in puberty, Chester.

3. Yesterday: A bright young man with dreams of becoming one of the Internet’s best comedy list moderators, because if he can bring a smile to just one person’s face every day, then he’s done his job.

Today: Just old and bitter.

2. Have you noticed there’s no Top 5 Lists skewering the AARP? Coincidence? I think not.

1. “Top 5 Signs You’re Losing Your Memor… umm… Top 5 Signs….”

En una oficina est�n tres

En una oficina est�n tres secretarias.

La primera dice:

“No se imaginan lo que le hice a mi jefe: le puse silicona en sus gavetas y ahora se va a volver loco tratando de abrirlas”.

La otra dice:

Yo encontr� el lugar donde mi jefe coloca sus condones; agarr� un l�piz y les hice varios agujeros.

De pronto la tercera grita:

“�Ah! �Ah!”… y se desmaya.

Little Johnny at School.

The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is “beautiful”. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use “beautiful” in a sentence?”

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.”

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.” Teacher says, “Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it’s your turn.”

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…

‘Beautiful, just fuckin’ BEATUIFUL!’ “

Doctor, What is it??

One day, a young woman came into the doctor’s office,
complaining of some pain. The doctor asked her, “Where is this
pain?”

The woman replied, “Oh doctor, I hurt all over!”

The doctor looked at her and said, “Well, ‘all over’ is pretty
vague, could you be more specific?”

“It’s just all over,” the woman started. She touched her knee
with her index finger, “Ouch! That hurts!” Then she touched her
cheek with the same finger, “Ouch! That hurts too!” she cried.
And then she touched her ear lobe, “Ouch! You see? Even THAT
hurts!” She looked at the doctor, waiting for his diagnosis.

“Are you a natural blond?” inquired the doctor.

“Why, yes,” replied the blond, “why do you ask?”

“Ah ha!” returned the doctor, his look of confusion replaced
with confidence, “That explains it! You have a broken finger.”

Sex every hour

On the first night of Sheila’s and George’s vacation in a small town in France, Sheila suggested that they make love each time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell.

At first George seemed delighted at the prospect, but after four rings he pretended to go out for a quick snack and staggered off to the watchman’s tower.

“Excuse me, but could I possibly persuade you to ring the bell every other hour instead of hourly? I’ll give you some money.”

“Normally I would be happy to oblige you, but I cannot. A beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every quarter hour.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Jay Leno Jokes!

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show…

Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that’s true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend’s skin …

Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore …

LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn’t that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week … Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible … I think money makes it possible!

Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world’s first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It’s bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?

According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good … let’s tell our enemies … that’s what I love about our country, you can’t tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we’re running out of ammunition. “We don’t have any bullets, and I can’t tell you if I’m gay.”

Deadly Vices

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.” The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

Penguin outing

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says, “OK”, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”

The guy replies, “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Hot Dogs

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.The first said, “I’d love to eat some dog.”The second “Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, ‘HOT DOGS’!”The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, “Which part of the dog’s anatomy did YOU get?”