Frosted flakes
Author: admin
Sadamm Husein and Miss Muffett
Q. What do Sadamm Husein and Miss Muffett have in common?
A. They both have Kurds in their way!
Be “very quiet”.
A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says “oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!”
He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.
They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.
“Who’s in that room?” the man asks. “Oh, those are the holy rollers,” says Saint Peter. “They make a lot of noise but they’re pretty harmless”.
They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.
“Who’s in there?” the man asks.
“That’s the room for the Shakers” replies Saint Peter.
Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, “we must be very quiet going past this door. Don’t make a sound.”
They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.
“Oh, those are the Catholics.
They think they’re the only ones up here!”
First Grade Teacher
A first grade teacher was a die-hard Colorado Avalanche fan. She
told the class to raise their hands if they were true Avalanche
fans like her. The children, not knowing what an Avalanche fan
was, raised their hands. They too wanted to be just like the
teacher, all except one little girl. She did not raise her hand.
The teacher approached her and asked, “Why aren’t you an
Avalanche fan? They are the best team and I love them.” The
little girl responded, “I’m a Detroit Red Wings fan.” The
teacher asked, “Why are you a Wings fan?” The little girl said,
“Well, my parents are Wings fans.”
The teacher, getting upset at this point, stated, “Just because
your parents are Wings fans doesn’t make you one. What if your
dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot, what would that make
you?” The little girl thought for a moment and said, “Well, that
would make me an Avalanche fan.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Mickey!Mickey who?Mickey is
Knock KnockWho’s there?Mickey!Mickey who?Mickey is lost so that’s why I’m knocking!
Dickens and the Mart
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks,
�Olive or twist?�
The Smarter Sex
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Handicapped
What has 500,000 feet and still can’t walk?
Jerry’s kids.
Top Ten Petty Gripes Microsoft has with the Court
10. Microsoft to court: “What do you mean precisely by ‘world domination’?”
9. Lawrence Lessig used to steal Gates’ lunch money in grade school. No fair!
8. Request to clear the courtroom of disruptive laid-off Netscape employees.
7. Joel Klein using Mac laptop to take notes–prejudiced!
6. Please make Ralph Nader put down his bullhorn while court is in session.
5. Please ask FBI Director Freeh to cease and desist Stealth flyovers of Redmond.
4. Court recorder saying, “Wait a minute, I have to reboot,” not helping their case.
3. Request that Judge Jackson not refer to Microsoft lawyers as “you people.”
2. Removing MS lawyer Bill Neukom from the courtroom in shackles after every session is demeaning.
1. Court’s request to install airbags and seat belts in Windows might be slightly extreme.
Blow Frog
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After
looking around she realized that all the pets there were very
expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
“I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so
expensive”, she said.
“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the back for
$50.00. Would you like to see it?”
“$50.00?? For a Frog??” asked the woman.
The clerk said, “It’s a special frog. It gives blow jobs.”
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she
thought this was a heck of a deal. She’d get her husband a gift
he’d surely enjoy, and she’d never have to do that again. The
woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift.
Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure
he’d try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night
relieved knowing she’d never have to give another blow job.
About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans
banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was
going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and
the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies,
looking through cookbooks.
“What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?”
asked the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, “Well, if I can teach this
frog to cook, your ass is outta here.”
Two quick bar jokes
* A dyslexic man walks into a bra * Two guys walk into a bar, you’d think the second guy would have seen it coming!
responsibility lecture
There was a family of 3 generations all living in separate
homes: The Father and mother [age 66 and 70] The Oldest Son and his wife and two childeren [a son-15 and a
daughter-10] &The youngest daughter and her husband and two children [a
daughter-12 and a son-8]
It was summer holidays for the children and the parents were all
working, so, just to let the kids play they decided to leave
them all at their grandparents [just a reminder aged 66 and 70] for thursday and friday every week until they had stopped the
working year and gone on holidays.
The children knew that their grandparents were over protective,
and also liked to chat a lot. So when the first day came, they
sat themselves down on the couch to watch some TV.
“NO NO NO! you cant just sit in front of the TV all day, you
have to go outside FIRST just for a little bit.” lectured the
grandmother.
the grandfather had left just a few minutes earlier and wouldnt
have objected to TV, it was peace and quiet for him.
So the kids went outside to find something to do. Andrew, the
oldest son of the oldest son, was bored and didnt want to play
anything, so he sat down and read a book. The other 3 had a
water fight with water pistols and water bombs and everything!
When the grandmother came out, she cracked a fit and let them
all watch TV.
Just a few minutes later, the grandmother returned and said to
Andrew, the oldest,
“Now Andrew, you’ve got 3 children in your hands now!”
“oh Gosh!” exclaims Andrew.
“Because im going out and you HAVE to be responsible!”
“Yeah whatever”
“WHATEVER!??!?!?! its not just WHATEVER, its 3 children, YOU
have to be responsible for them, you’re nearly 16!”
“and ill be driving soon, away, FAR away.”
“You should learn to be responsible!”
any way this continues for about another hour and finally when
the grandmother is satisfyed that Andrew will be responsible,
she ends it:
“fine, im going now.”
“Grandma, where are you going?”asks the youngest one.
“To the letter box, to check the mail.”