Author: admin

What has 500,000 feet and still can’t walk?
Jerry’s kids.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the
doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had
practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no
improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to
give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but its advice that
I’ve gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand,
especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub,
take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to
have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now,
give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice
and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the
FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I
get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed,
I think there’s somebody on top of it. Doc, you’ve gotta help me, I’m going
crazy!”
“Just put you in my hands for two years,” said the psychiatrist. “Come to me
three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“My fee is per visit.”
“That’s awfully expensive, Doc,” reckoned Shakey. “Let me sleep on it, and
I’ll get back to you.”
Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. “Why didn’t you ever
come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for!”
“How do you figure?” asked the psychiatrist.
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital’s emergency
room on the other end. “Sir,” explains the doctor, “Your wife was in a serious
car accident. I have bad news and good news.”
The man, taken back, asks hesitantly, “What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She
will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life.”
“Heavens, Doc, what’s the good news?”
The doctor replies, “I’m kidding. She’s dead.”
One day, Paul complained to his friend, “You know, my elbow is killing me. I
guess I should see a doctor.”
“Don’t do that!” said his friend. “There’s a computer at the drug store that
can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply feed the
computer a sample of your urine and it will diagnose your problem for only
bucks.”
Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample
and walked to the drug store. Then, he poured the urine sample into the computer
and deposited bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of
lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper
which read:
‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It
will be better in two weeks.’
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, Paul began to wonder if the computer could
be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a
stool sample from his pet dog, and urine samples from both his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the mix.
The next day, Paul returned to drug store and poured the sample into the
computer. Next, he deposited bucks. The computer started making some noise and a
number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip
of paper which read:
‘Your tap water is too hard… getting a water softener. Your dog has
ringworm… bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using
cocaine… put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and
they aren’t yours… get a lawyer. And, if you don’t stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.’