Author: admin

Monkey on a string

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This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.

The barman relied “I don’t want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisnace!”

The guy replied “But this is a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out.”

After 10 minutes, the barman returns with a broad grin. “Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it?” $200 was exchanged.

That evening, the barman returned home to his wife. “Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!”

Three blonds on death row

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Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”The blonde shouts, “fire!!”

surgery

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Four surgeons are having a coffee after performing surgery.”I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.”says the first.”I think librarians are the easiest,” said the second surgeon.”When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.”The third surgeon said, “I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are colour coded.”The fourth one said, “”I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable”

Two years at sea

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A sailor came home from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.”Was it my friend Marvin?” he demanded.”No!” his weeping wife replied.”Was it my friend Jerry then?” he asked.”NO!!!” she said even more upset.”Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked. “Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.

Clinton’s Dinner Party

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Hillary and Bill were invited to a dinner party. Bill steps onto the plane
and sees Hillary there naked. He says, “You aren’t going like that are
you?” She replies, “Why not?” “this is a dinner party dear, and it makes
you look like a whore.” “Oh alright..I’ll go and change.” So, Hillary goes
off to change. She comes back… and Bill is in the buff, except for a
potato on his cock. “You sent me to change then you are going to go like
that?” “Why..of course! If you were going to go as a whore..why can’t I go
as a Dictator?”

Blonde nuts

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This blonde went to a store and said “do you have any nuts” no we dont says the salesmen, so the blonde goes to another store and asks”do you have any nuts” no we call nuts, balls says the salesmen.

Then the blonde went home and told her husband that she couldnt find any nuts for herself

Rotten Cherry

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There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn’t have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn’t believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said “Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don’t have crabs because I’m a virgin”.

The doctor checks her out and says “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don’t have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.”