Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
Author: admin
Church of Elvis
Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “Elvis! Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead Elvis! How have you been?” Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.” The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he’s a little upset so he tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.” The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing sir – Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to see you!” “Shut up, you imbecile. I’m not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!” So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s you!” screams the hotel clerk. “You’re back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I’m so glad you’re back!” Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Thank you. Thank you very much!”
BOYISH PRANKS
“Why are you making your baby sister cry? I have asked you to give her whatever she asks,is”nt it?” shouts the mother.
“I did exactly that,Mom. She wanted a Green Chilli and I gave it to her” said the boy mischeviously.
You’ve ever made change in
You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
THE FIANCEE
A young woman brings home her fianc�e to meet her parents. After dinner, her
mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the
fianc�e to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you does
to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?”
asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide
for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fianc�e.
The conversation precedes like this, and each time the father questions, the
young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he
thinks I’m God.”
At the mall
A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… the Woolworth�s manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Pole
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A 40 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
You’re a redneck … you ever put oil
You’re a redneck if…. You ever put oil or anti-freeze in your truck in a
K-mart parking lot.
A Woman and her lover
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman’s home, when all of a
sudden; they hear the front door open and close.
“Oh, no, it’s my husband!”
The man says, “Where’s your back door?”
“We don’t have a back door,� says the woman.
The man then asks, “Well, where do you want a back door?”
Sex & Travel
I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, “Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?”
She said, “Do you like sex?”
I said, “Of course, I like sex.”
She said, “Do you like to travel?”
I said, “Yeah, I love to travel.”
She said, “Then fuck off.”
Mark Bookspan
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Mark Bookspan
Quick, bolt the door!
Rotten Cherry
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn’t have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn’t believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said “Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don’t have crabs because I’m a virgin”.
The doctor checks her out and says “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don’t have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.”