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Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One 70-year-old says, ‘I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.’
An 80-year-old says, ‘My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.’
The 90-year-old says, ‘At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow’
‘So what’s your problem?’ asked the others.
‘I don’t wake up until nine.’
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 (ate) 9.
IBM: It’ll Be Messy
Knock KnockWho’s there?Norway!Norway who?Norway will I leave till you open this door!
What do the Green Bay Packers and the LAPD have in common?
Niether one of them can stop a Bronco.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife.” said the man.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”
“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”
“Alright,” replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”
“No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.”
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, ”Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, ”Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, ”The pupil of the eye, in dim light.””Correct,” said Mr. Perkins. ”And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
What do you call a bee that makes milk?
A Boobee
What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?
Self-employed!
Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots??? A: Bunny farts!
A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter, orders a drink and relaxes. A minute or so later he notices a large jar of money sitting on the counter beside him. He calls over the bartender and asks about the jar of money. The bar tender tells him that it is a prize, whoever can commplete the tasks behind the three doors upstairs get the jar of money.
The man says asks what the tasks are. The bartender tells him behind the first door is a ferocious lion and you need to tame it, behind the second is a rotwiler with a hangnail and u must remove it, behind the third is a 110 year old wonman and you must have sex with her for 5 hours. The man say those a horiblle tasks but will attempt them for the money. He walks into the first room and within an hour or so comes out with the lion, the lion perfectly tamed and doing tricks. Then he goes into the second room. He comes out about 5 hours later and sayd “Ok, so where is the old lady with the hangn nail?”
HAHAHAHA!