When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS.
Author: admin
The elevator.
A blonde walks on an elevator and there is 1 other man on there and the blonde says “T.G.I.F.” and the man replied “S.H.I.T.” then they argued about the words and finally the blonde says thank gosh its friday and the man replies sorry hun its thursday.
Republican Symbol
The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is
changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. Governor Marc Racicot, RNC
chairman, explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party’s stance
today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while
you’re actually getting screwed.
Golf Clubs Remedy
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after a week’s stay, the Texan said, “Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible I’ll get it for you.””Well,” said the doctor, “my wife and I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine.”With that the doctor left. The doctor didn’t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the millionaire.”Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that they didn’t have swimming pools, so I didn’t think they were good enough for ya. I had pools installed and they’re all ready for you now.”
LADY PASTOR
A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member,
a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation
offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to
allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to
fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the
men commented that he guessed they would just have to go back and get it.
The lady pastor said, “That won’t be necessary,” as she got out of the boat
and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, “See I told you we never should have hired that woman!
She can’t even swim!!”
Your so poor
Your so poor when i came to your house and dropped my smoke butt on your floor a roch come outta the wall, yellin “CLAP YOUR HANDS, STOMP YOUR FEET, GOOD GOLLY GOSH WE GOT HEAT!”
Michael Jackson & Kmart
why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?
he heard little boys pants were half off
Shut up, manners, and trouble!
Once open a time, there were 3 boys named shut up, manners, and trouble. One
day, the trio was taking a hike, and then suddenly, they came up open a BIG
carnival. They went to get some corndogs, got some more corndogs, and a few more
corndogs. Finally, they were sick of corndogs. Trouble went on the Ferris wheel
without telling manners, or shut up. After 10 minutes, manners and shut up went
looking for trouble. Soon, they got tired. So manners said, “Lets try the police
station”. So they went to the police station.
Manners stayed by the window, and Shut up went inside. The police officer
asked him, what’s your name? Shut up! Young man, what�s your name? Shut up!
Young man, are you looking for Trouble! He replied: Why yes, how did you guess?
The sheriff said young man, where are your manners? Shut up said: By the
window!
Yo Momma vault
-yo mommas so fat,she saw a bus drive by and she yelled, stop that twinkie! –yo mommas so fat she plays pool with the solar system! –yo mommas so fat,she has her own zip code! –yo mommas so fat,planets get jealous of her!–yo mommas so fat,we could use her body as the next ozone! –yo mommas so fat, her ass looks like a black hole! –yo mommas so fat,her birth took 6 years. –
Cards We Wish Hallmark Would Make
THINGS YOU CAN’T SAY WITH A HALLMARK :
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t
help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your
wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly
baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed
in Hell until I met you.”
“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not
here to ruin it for me.”
“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your
sister.”
“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given
me. Like the need for therapy…”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil
was before this!”
“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you
like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it
again.”
“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”
“Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Life
like!”
“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
“We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it
quits.”
“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find
out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and
think of you often.”
“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday–so we’re having you put to sleep.”
“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Kentucky and
West Virginia)
King of the Jungle…
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
“Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –
“Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”
Loop hole
Q: What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.