John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology…

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S.
Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930’s. He was
an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals,
and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces
in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal
justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950’s at the
rank of full colonel.

Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what
was then Fresno State College. (Later to become the California State
University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten
years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.

He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor’s
degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded
that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years
of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient
qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold
a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a
favor by letting him keep his job by getting “only” a master’s degree.

So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college.
Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study
would get him his MA.

On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped
when he read John’s name. “Are you related to the John Kallam who
wrote the textbook we’ll be using?” he asked.

“I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you’re using,” came the
dry response.

Stick of Dynamite

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of
drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the
bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that,
baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to
his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is
aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her
purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a
hurry to go?”

She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid
you were about to blow!”

The Top 15 Reindeer Games

15> Strip poker with Santa’s granddaughter 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa’s Ass 13> Spin the Salt Lick 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers 11> Moose or Dare 10> Flying into the ‘No Fly Zone’ over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot 6> Convince the Elves to Eat ‘Raisinets’ 5> Pin the Tail on Santa’s Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen 3> Elf Tossing 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey 1> The ‘Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer’ Drinking Game

Devout catholic

There’s this man, a devout catholic, who really wants to meet the pope. When the pope comes to his town on his world tour, the man puts on his finest Armani suit and goes down to see him.

Well, there are hundreds and hundreds of well dressed people, but the pope walks right up to this one especially shabby guy. The guy is clearly a homeless person, unshaven, smelly and dressed in rags. The pope leans over and has a conversation with the guy.

Well, our hero notices this, and he realizes there is no way that he can possibly be noticed in the sea of Armani suits, so he ducks into a bathroom, shreds his clothing and makes himself up to be equally shabby.

Sure enough, when he comes out the pope comes right over to him, leans over and says, “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.”

Day Off

A blonde was at work and asked her boss if she could have the day off. Her
boss agreed since it was almost Christmas. The blonde crossed the street
and saw a sign. She continued walking but every time before she would turn
she would lift her shirt up and flash the cars that went by. She continued
doing so every time she turned.

Then she saw her boss drive by and once
again she flashed the car. Her boss got so distracted by this thathe drove
right into a telephone pole and had to go to the hospital. A couple of
days later the blonde came to visit. Her boss asked, “why did you flash me
when I drove by?” The blonde answered, “Because there was a sign that
said flash your headlights before you turn.”

Lil’ Johnny on Politics

Lil’ Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad
says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the
breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the
Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now.”

“Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Assassination Attemp

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator. . .10 minutes longer. . .no dictator.One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

Doing shots

An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. ”What’ll you have?” he asked. ”Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. ”Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. ”I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!” ”Well, there you go,” cried the husband. ”And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

I’m Glad I’m A Woman

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections

I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt

my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind

I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing

I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb

I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball

I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true

I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

10 Good Reasons to buy fabric

1) It insulates the closet where it is kept.2) It is less expensive and more fun than psychiatric care.3) A sudden increase in the boll weevil population might wipe out the cotton crop for the next 10 years.4) I’m participating in a contest – the one who dies with the most fabric wins!5) Because I’m worth it!6) It’s not immoral, illegal or fattening. It calms the nerves, gratifies the soul, and makes me feel good!7) Buy it now, before your husband retires and goes with you on all your shopping expeditions.8) It helps keep the economy going. It is our patriotic duty to protect the jobs of textile mill workers, and quilt shop staff with cute babies and grandchildren.9) It keeps the dust off those previously empty spaces like the dining room table or the living room floor.10) It keeps without refrigeration, you don’t have to cook it to enjoy it, you never have to feed it, burp it, change it, wipe its nose, or walk it!