Dear Sir,I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me… I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
Author: admin
Ya Mamma by MizMischief
Yo mamma so fat that she got to iron her pants on the driveway
A las dos de la
A las dos de la madrugada suena un tel�fono y se oye la voz de un borracho:
“�Es usted el (hip) dueee�o de la tienda (hip) de licoresssss del barrio?”
“Pues s�, lo soy �y qu�?”
“Naaada, (hip) quer�a preguntar a qu� hora abre”.
“A las ocho”, y cuelga enojado.
A las cuatro de la madrugada, vuelve a sonar el tel�fono y se oye una voz todav�a m�s borracha:
“�Hola, jefeee (hip)! �A que hooora dec�a que abr�a?”
“�A las ocho hombre, y d�jeme dormir!”
A las seis, el tel�fono suena otra vez. El borracho casi no puede ya hablar:
“�Holaaa jefeeecccito! Con quuue abrre a las ocho �eh?”
“Le dije que no me llamara m�s. Abro a las ocho y tenga un poco de paciencia para entrar”.
“Esss que yo no quiierro entrarrrr. �Lo que quierooo es salirrrrr…!”
Stick of Dynamite
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of
drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the
bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that,
baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to
his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is
aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her
purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a
hurry to go?”
She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid
you were about to blow!”
Spikes?
Q:What has a hundred an therty two spikes and holds a monster?
A:My ziper
I’m Glad I’m A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
Why ET has big eyes
Question: Why are E.T.’s eyes so big?
Answer: Because he saw the phone bill!
one time i visited a web site that was gay…
one time i visited a web site that was gay and only homos were there and who ever this site turns gay exept 4 me it was called skullspace.com
Assassination Attemp
Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator. . .10 minutes longer. . .no dictator.One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”
New Antibiotic
At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.
“What’s it cure?” asks a member of the audience. “Nothing we don’t already have a drug for,” the internist replies. “Well, what’s so miraculous about it?”
“One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!”
Men Can’t Win
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don’t, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don’t, you are gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don’t, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don’t, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don’t, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
If you don’t, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are over-sexed.
If you don’t, there must be someone else.
Violin joke
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.