An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, �I will give you three wishes.� The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, �I want a beer that never is empty.� With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, �I want two more of these.�
Author: admin
Your mama
your mama is so dumb she brought a spoon to the superbowl!
Job Function at M&M
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof reading.
Teacher joke
Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Morning at the White House
White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk
into the Oval Office with a pair of woman’s panties pinned to his arm. Somewhat
used to the president’s tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily
tasks.
As the day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval
Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one
left with a puzzled expression on his face, but no one dared ask the President’s
personal business.
Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton’s loyal secretary walked into the office
between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. “Mr. President,”
she said.
“We’ve come to expect many unusual things from you but we’re all quite
concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman’s panties on your arm.
Please tell me this doesn’t mean more ‘trouble’.”
“Oh no,” the President grinned, “it’s the patch. I’m trying to quit.”
What did Clinton tell his
What did Clinton tell his lawyer after Monica Lewinski testified?
“She said a mouthful.”
PG-17 Now available in Wintergreen
=============================================================This item is being widely propagated over the net today. Preliminary reports indicate that it is NOT a joke, however A LOT of further research is indicated. =============================================================Had the most interesting conversation with the top sales weasel at our company today. She came into my office and noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk. (Have you had them? They are these obnoxiously strong peppermints made in England.)As soon as she saw them, she burst into laughter.Turns out she had recently had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail message after an encounter. He went on and on about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he’d never be the same, etc. She was kind of puzzled, thinking: what did I do to this guy that was so different from my regular technique? She finally figured it out: she’s a smoker, and before getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to ‘freshen up.’ Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four Altoids and then got busy. Apparently things went amazingly. So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel, who immediately tried it out on -her- fiance. Apparently this guy has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job. He is now a fellatio gourmand. This news has been going around our office. Having a box of Altoids on your desk is now like being part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society. It’s the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest computer. News spread like crazy among the females, in the office who all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids (about $2 for 100 or so), and their partners across the city tonight are getting one hell of a corporate blow job.As far as company-wide morale boosting events, it doesn’t get much better. Some of the men found out, too — they went out after work to buy them for their wives. They strategized on how to get their wives to eat them. And people wonder why I work in technology. (For what it’s worth — it really does work! It leaves a lasting tingle that is apparently quite exquisite.)
Love, Lust, or Marriage?
How do you know if you’re in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE – When intercourse is called “making love.”
LUST – When intercourse is called “screwing.”
MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE – When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST – When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE – When you argue over money.
LOVE – When you share everything you own.
LUST – When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.
LOVE – When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST – When the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE – What’s a climax?
LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.
LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.
LUST – When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.
LOVE – When you show concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST – When you couldn’t give a shit.
MARRIAGE – When your only concern is what’s on TV.
LOVE – When your farewell is “I love you, darling…”
LUST – When your farewell is “So, same time next week…”
MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST – When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.
LOVE – When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST – When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE – When nobody else matters.
LUST – When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.
LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE – When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST – When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.
SURVIVOR in Texas
Network TV is reported to be developing a “Texas version” of “Survivor,” the recent popular TV show.
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: “I’m for Gore, I’m gay, and I’m here to take your guns.”
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner
Democrats vs. Republicans
From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.
Republicans employ exterminators.
Democrats step on the bugs.
Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.
Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.
Neither are Republicans.
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.
Democrats ought to, but don’t.
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.
Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republican boys date Democratic girls.
They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they’re entitled to a little fun first.
Democrats make plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
Hahaha
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Three doors
one day bob died and went to hell. the devil said you can pick one of three rooms to spend eternity in. so in the first room the were guys cleaning up crap. in the second room there was guys swimming in pee. he went to the third room in that room he saw a suzy and bill were doing it. the devil said to bob which room you want. bob said i will take the third room. the devil said suzy im puttig you into room number two . the devil said bill and bob have a “GAY” time.