Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
Cheating husband
Man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where the hell have you been?!?!””Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.””Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!”
What did Clinton tell his
What did Clinton tell his lawyer after Monica Lewinski testified?
“She said a mouthful.”
Experience…
- Experience (noun)
- What you get when you don’t read the manual
first.
Democrats vs. Republicans
From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.
Republicans employ exterminators.
Democrats step on the bugs.
Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.
Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.
Neither are Republicans.
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.
Democrats ought to, but don’t.
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.
Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republican boys date Democratic girls.
They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they’re entitled to a little fun first.
Democrats make plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
The Three Leprechans
Three leprechans die and go to heaven.
The first one asks god “Are there any midget nuns in Ireland?” God said “No son, there are no midget nuns in Ireland” The second leprechan starts to giggle and the third one hushes him.
The first one asks god again ” Are there any midget nuns in all of Europe?” God said “No son, there are no midget nuns in all of Europe” The second one laughs louder and the third one hushes him again.
So the first one asks “Are there any midget nuns in the whole world?” God replied “No son, there are no miget nuns in all of the world.”
So this time the third one cracks up and the second one says “See, i told you, you fucked a penguin!”
The Top 20 Rejected TV Holiday Specials
20> The Osbourne Family *)&(#$%^& Christmas Blast!phemy
19> The Democratic Debate That Sucked Out All the Holiday Cheer
18> Runny the Snot Man
17> Grandma Got Run Over by a Steamroller: A “Jackass” Christmas
16> Michael Jackson’s “Staying in Bed for the Holidays” With the Vienna Boys’ Choir
15> The Little Dreidel Boy
14> Martha Stewart’s Holiday Party You Couldn’t Possibly Afford to Host
13> Last-Minute Bargain Shopping and Stocking Stuffing With Winona Ryder
12> Snoop Dogg’s Very Mevizzle Christizzle
11> The Endorsement That Ruined Hanukkah for One Particular Presidential Candidate
10> It’s Dubya With a Fake Turkey, Charlie Brown!
9> One Last Holiday With the Troops: A Bob Hope Cryptmas in Iraq
8> Al Franken narrates “Santa Claus Is a Big Fat Lying Idiot”
7> Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A “Queer Eye” Christmas
6> A Rockin’ Sockin’ Bobby Brown Kwanzaa
5> A Cruisin’ and Boozin’ Christmas With Glen Campbell, Wynonna Judd and Nick Nolte
4> Go Kill It On the Mountain: A Ted Nugent Reindeer-Huntin’ Holiday!
3> Dancer and Prancer’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” USO Spectacular
2> SpongeJesus SwaddlingPants
1> Santa, Live From Inside the Paris Hilton!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Rejected by St Peter
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St. Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, “Can’t let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either!
Morning at the White House
White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk
into the Oval Office with a pair of woman’s panties pinned to his arm. Somewhat
used to the president’s tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily
tasks.
As the day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval
Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one
left with a puzzled expression on his face, but no one dared ask the President’s
personal business.
Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton’s loyal secretary walked into the office
between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. “Mr. President,”
she said.
“We’ve come to expect many unusual things from you but we’re all quite
concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman’s panties on your arm.
Please tell me this doesn’t mean more ‘trouble’.”
“Oh no,” the President grinned, “it’s the patch. I’m trying to quit.”
Got any ID?
A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-75. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”The driver says, ” ‘Bout what? “
Why are blondes like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
Un tipo est� saliendo de
Un tipo est� saliendo de su departamento con una valija y se cruza con otro amigo que est� entrando. �ste le pregunta:
“�Ad�nde vas, te vas de tu casa?”
“S�, me voy. Mi suegra me ha tratado muy mal, adem�s, me insult�, me dijo que soy un vago, un borracho, un desgraciado, un ser inservible…”
“�Ea, una cosa as� no puede ser! Mira, si a m� mi suegra me dice todo eso, yo la mato, la parto en cuatro pedazos y la tiro al r�o”.
“�Y qu� cosa crees que llevo en esta valija?”