Author: admin

Special High Intensity Training – S.H.I.T.

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –
“Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?”

Aghast, the man said, “are you NUTS?, that’s robbery!”

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –
“Sir, since you are a bit irate, I’ll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly – “you must be crazy pal, now go away!”

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and
begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –
“Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much”.

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out
and says:
“HEY,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes like crap!!!”

“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy some mouthwash?”

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? – 45 lbs.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? – 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don’t know what he looks like!
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? – Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy!

What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
A. “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there. Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy. I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away. I could not get the courage up, and “Hi” was all I’d say.Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address, And send a valentine to her, and with it I’d express,The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel, And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.I’ll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be, If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine, And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail, A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me, I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.With great anticipation, I removed the envelope, And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart, And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside, And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.I’d love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass, My husband says he’ll be at work, to kick your stupid a**.I’m glad you like my body, and you think it’s really fine, My husband says this card is going, where the sun don’t shine.In your card, you said there’s things to me you’d love to do, I think my husband’s going to do, all of those things to you.So, have a Happy Valentines, I’ll see you Monday morn, My husband says on Tuesday, you’ll wish you were never born.