What do you call a cow with no legs?
GROUND BEEF!
Author: admin
True Aubrey in Lady Christiana’s Den (An SCA filksong)
Child Ballad 37 deals with Thomas the Rhymer . . . this piece is based upon that and, of course, interaction I observed among SCAdians True Aubrey in Lady Christiana’s Den (or Spare Room, as the case may be 🙂 1 Lord Aubrey visited a shire And he beheld a ladie gay, A ladie whose hospitalitie Was knowne through mundane Thunder Bay 2 Her manor ringed around with snow Was warm, and lit with lanterns bryht Ant for Aubrey, who sought crash space Looked fair to spend the nyht 3 True Aubrey he took off his hat, And bowed him low down till his knee: ‘All hail, thou Queen of Heaven’s Lodging! For its peer on earth I never did see.’ 4 ‘O no, O no, Lord Aubrey,’ she says, ‘This hall is not that which you name; I offer but my humble home, If you’ve come here for to visit me. * * * * * 5 But ye maun stay wi me now, Aubrey, Dear Sherriff, ye maun stay wi me, For ye maun serve me seven years, For the crash space that you here see.’ 6 She turned about her iron steed, And took Northshield’s Sherriff up behind, And aye wheneer her bridle rang, The steed flew swifter than the wind. 7 For forty days and forty nights He washd dishes in greasy suds, And taught his craft, shared ref’rence books But told his tales to Christiana’s kids. 8 O they rade on, sought food and more Until they came to a Safeway store: ‘Light down, light down, ye ladie free, SOme groceries let me pull to thee.’ 9 ‘O no, O no, Lord Aubrey,’ she says, ‘That food maun not be touched by thee, For a’ the plagues that are in hell Light on food that is OOP 10 ‘But I have a loaf here in my lap, Likewise a bottle of Mare Am mead, And now ere we go farther on, We’ll rest a while, and ye may eat.’ 11 When he had eaten and drunk his fill, ‘Lay down your head upon my knee,’ The lady sayd, ‘ere we climb yon hill, And I will show you fairlies three. 12 ‘Oh see not ye yon narrow road, So thick beset wi thorns and briers? That path is of authenticity, Tho after it but few enquires. 13 ‘And see not ye that braid braid road, That lies across yon lillie leven? That is the path of fantasy, Tho some call it the road to heaven. 14 ‘And see not ye that bonny road, Which winds about the fernie brae? That is the road to my SCA, Whe[re] you and I this night maun gae. 15 ‘But Aubrey, ye maun hold your tongue, Whatever you may hear or see, For gin ae word you should chance to speak, You will neer get back to your mundainie. 16 He has gotten a coat of the period cloth, And a pair of shoes by Christiana’s lord, And till seven years were past and gone Lord Aubrey at events was never seen more
old people football
an old man and his wife has gone to bed. after lying there for
a few minutes the old man farts and goes ” 7 points “
his wife rolls over and goes ” what in the world does that mean “
the old man said ” its fart football “
a few minutes later the wife lets one go and goes ” touchdown
were tied “
a few minutes later the old man farts again and goes ” now im up
14 7 ! ”
but then the wife lets one rip and there tied again 14 14
then the wife lets out a squeaker and goes ” feild goal ” im up
17 14
knowing the man cant be beaten by his wife he gives it all he
has and instead of farting he poops in his pants
the wife goes ” what the hell was that? ”
the man goes ” uh half-time ” switch sides!
Hey That�s Inflation For Ya
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every
day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her
pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as
the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual,
the pretzel woman spoke to him: ” Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a
good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has
increased to 35 cents.”
Top Ten Signs You’re Becoming a Teenager
Top Ten Signs You’re Becoming a Teenager
10) Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.
9) “Metal Mouth” and “Tinsel Teeth” have replaced your real name.
8) You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!
7) Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.
6) Even your zits have zits!
5) It’s not safe to say the word “mall” around you.
4) Let’s just say . . . sometimes you don’t smell too good.
3) You’ve gone from “A”. . . to “B” . . . to “C” . . . cup!
2) If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what you’re wearing than what you’re going to say.
1) If someone at your house is PMSing, it’s not always your mom!
Hillary & Chelsea
Chelsea is home from a break from school. She and Hillary are sitting at
the table, eating breakfast, when Hillary decides to have a serious talk
with Chelsea.
“You’re all grown up and off to college. Have you had sex yet?”
Chelsea replies, “Not according to daddy.”
What if Operating Systems were
What if Operating Systems were Airlines?
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump on again, and so on…
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Christmas pagent
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, ‘Well you just ask Mom. She’ll tell you it’s much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.’
Hoop Earrings
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
Its a catty cat world so go out for tea.
guess what ur gay and im not!!!!!! hehehehehehehe this is the funniest thing ive heard all day!!!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Honda!Honda who?Honda the
Knock KnockWho’s there?Honda!Honda who?Honda the spreading chesnut tree…!
You have refused to watch
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.None of your shirts cover your stomach.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.