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Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH
PROFESSOR:

You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well,
here’s a prime example of that. This assignment was actually
turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name
deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

English 44A

SMU

Creative Writing

Prof. Miller

In class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem
story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the
person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will
read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so
on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the
Assignment as submitted by

Rebecca & Gary:

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his
transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far…”. But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,
Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing
War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s
innocence to become a woman?”, she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The
dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of
the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that
treaty! Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.