What an idiot!

There were three men. Joe, Rich, and Scott.

They were all camping in the woods, and they knew they had to stop for
the
night. Joe suggested they stop where they were right there, a nice
clear,
wooded area. Rich agreed, but Scott disagreed, because there was nothing
interesting around, only trees.

They kept hiking for a little longer, and came across a small clear area,
right next to the highway. Both Joe and Rich wanted to saty there because
there was no stumps, or moss around, and the sounds of the cars could
help
to put them asleep. Scott said no, because he found a small ant farm 500
meters away, and was scared the ants might come, and get them.

SO they kept hiking, and finally, they came to the end of the woods, and
stepped onto the highway. Scott was mystified, and wanted to sleep right
smack dab in the middle of the highway. It was interesting, and he wanted
to look at all the different liscence plates, as they drove by. Joe and
Rich were so upset, because, obviously, that was the LAST place that they
wanted to sleep in! But, they were too tired to argue, so they set up
their tent in the middle of the highway and went to sleep.

They slept soundly through the night, but were awaked a couple of times
by
the sound of cars beeping, and crashing. The next morning, they awoke
early, and noticed a huge pileup of cars right off the highway, in the
spot they had earlier chosen. Feeling proud, Scott said:

“See, guys? Imagine what would of happened if we slept there last night!”

The Top 15 Signs Someone You Know Is on Steroids Pt 2

15> The gardener finish mowing the lawn in under five minutes.
The Texas Stadium lawn.

14> The mail carrier runs house to house, spiking TV Guides and
yelling, “In your FACE, Dallas!”

13> Arrives at your wedding in a sleeveless tuxedo.

12> Your morning newspaper rockets through the picture window,
blasts out the sliding doors and does a perfect swan dive into the
neighbors’ stagnant kiddie pool.

11> Last year: Dade County macrame champion.
    This year: all-time MLB RBI champion.

10> Asking your wife, “What’s for dinner?” now earns you a snort
and repetitive pawing at the dirt.

 9> When raising the host, Father O’Malley now strikes
a body-builder pose.

 8> Johnny’s mom gives all eight kids on the soccer
team a ride to practice — piggyback.

 7> Grandma’s latest hobby: crocheting trawling nets
for tuna boats.

 6> When your wife gets a wobbly-wheeled cart at the
supermarket, she just picks it up and carries it around like a hand
basket.

 5> Manages to work “testicle size is overrated” into
every conversation.

 4> He’s far and away the best player on his T-ball
team — and the *only* one with a beard.

 3> Kicks your mailbox off its post, then says, “I’ll
ask again: How many boxes of Thin Mints shall I put you down for?”

 2> The Starbucks barista has taken to grinding the
beans for your latte in his teeth.

 1> Just went 4-for-5 with three homers against Randy
Johnson — while on her period.

            
[  The Top 5 List  
www.topfive.com  ]             
[   Copyright 2005 by Chris
White    ]

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
“What’s that ?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

Short lawyer jokes

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

Where do you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery!

Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old
drunk see a $100 bill in the midde of the road. Who picks it up?
The old drunk. The other three don’t exsist!

What can a swan do that a duck can’t and a lawyer should?
Shove his bill up his ass!

The vicar and the golfer

one day the vicar and the golfer went golfing
the golfer was extremely bad at golf.

it was the golfers turn he kept missing the golfball
he actually hit the golfball at long last!! but it only got 1
metre away from
him!.
the golfer shouted “damn missed” .

1 hour later.

it was the golfers turn again he hit the ball! this time it only
got 2 metres away from him he shouted again “damn missed” the
vicar got
terribly upset with the golfer and said to him ” if you keep
swearing
like that god will strike you with bolt of lightning

it was then the golfers turn again he missed and shouted ” DAMN
MISSED” . A bolt of lightning shot right down at the vicar a
deep voice said “DAMN MISSED”.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo mama so ugly…

She went into an hunted house and came out with an application

when she joined an ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.”

she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

even Freddy Krueger has nightmares of her.

they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower

they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

when a cop asked for her drivers license he arrested her for carrying a concealed weapon.

she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

that she scared the shit out of the toilet.

she went to get her nose pierced & got stabbed in the ass!

when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras

her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.

she made an onion cry.

when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours… for a quote!

she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

she looks out the window and gets arrested!

even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her!

Ted Dansen wouldn’t date her!

for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

she turned Medusa to stone!

The NHL banned her for life

people go as her for Halloween.

that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

she scares the roaches away.

I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.