One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up �Man I really need a drink!� in response David replied, �You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.� �Really?� said Jim �That�s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?� Said David �Sure, hell I�ll try anything once!� Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn�t felt this good in years. �Wow!!� He said. About that time his telephone rang. �Hello?� Jim Said �Hello Jim? Came the reply �This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?� Jim said �Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?� David replied� Me too man, but I have one question for you.� Jim said, �Sure man what is it� �Have you farted yet man?� Jim said �Ummmmm No. Why?� �Man don�t. I�m in Phoenix!�.
Author: admin
The vicar and the golfer
one day the vicar and the golfer went golfing
the golfer was extremely bad at golf.
it was the golfers turn he kept missing the golfball
he actually hit the golfball at long last!! but it only got 1
metre away from
him!.
the golfer shouted “damn missed” .
1 hour later.
it was the golfers turn again he hit the ball! this time it only
got 2 metres away from him he shouted again “damn missed” the
vicar got
terribly upset with the golfer and said to him ” if you keep
swearing
like that god will strike you with bolt of lightning
it was then the golfers turn again he missed and shouted ” DAMN
MISSED” . A bolt of lightning shot right down at the vicar a
deep voice said “DAMN MISSED”.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t really want to!
There was a girl and her mother. They went to the park one day.
The mother had to go get something from the store so she told
the little girl to stay at the park and be careful. There
happened to be a little boy across the street and he wanted to
play with the little girl. So he came over and asked the girl
if she wanted to play in his front yard. The girl said “I don’t
really want to, mama told me not to.” The boy said, “I’ll give
you a quarter,” the girl said,” ok.” So they went and played
in the front yard. Then the boy said, “Want to go inside?” The
girl said, “I don’t really want to, mama told me not to.” He
said, “I’ll give you $.50.” She said “ok.” So they were
playing in the the toy room and the boy said, “Do you want to go
to my room?” The girl said, “I don’t really want to, mama told
me not to.” He said, “I’ll give you a dollar.” She said, “ok.”
She they were playing in the boy’s room, and he asked her, “Do
you want to have sex?” The girl said, “I don’t really want to,
mama told me not to.” He said, “I’ll give you two dollars.”
The girl said “ok.” So they were having sex and then the boys
mother comes home. She goes upstairs to the boys room, and
finds them having sex. She yells, “Get off my son!” The girl
says, “I don’t really want to, mama told me not to!”
Q: How many Americans
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
Your momma’s so thin she ate a peanut …
Your momma’s so thin she ate a peanut and thought she was pregnant.
“Quaylisms”
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people.”
— J. Danforth Quayle
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
— J. DanforthQuayle
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
–Vice President Dan Quayle
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful. How true that is.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this
century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this
century.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy –
but that could change.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that
one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
“May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.”
— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,though.]
“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.”
— VicePresident Dan Quayle
“I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the
Future.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“The future will be better tomorrow.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“Public speaking is very easy.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Vice President Dan
Quayle
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the
killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the
riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers
are to blame.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
“Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a
job next year.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
–Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle
may or may not make.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
Because it’s out of the high rent district.
Why do elephants live in the jungle?
Because it’s out of the high rent district.
Short lawyer jokes
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope!
Where do you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery!
Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old
drunk see a $100 bill in the midde of the road. Who picks it up?
The old drunk. The other three don’t exsist!
What can a swan do that a duck can’t and a lawyer should?
Shove his bill up his ass!
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
blondie
One day a blond decided to go camping.she went to
the camp ground and set up her tent. it started to get dark so
she made a fire when she got the fire going she made smores and
talked to herself . But after awhile of talking to herself and
eating smores she got tired and went to bed.
It was morning now and the blond was outside sleeping on the
ground and the camp ranger stoped to ask her why she was
sleeping on the gournd outside when she has a tent setup.
the blond replied well i herd nosies inside the tent so i came
out here to sleep.
Your so fat..
your so fat you use a matress as a tampon
The Top 15 Signs Someone You Know Is on Steroids Pt 2
15> The gardener finish mowing the lawn in under five minutes.
The Texas Stadium lawn.
14> The mail carrier runs house to house, spiking TV Guides and
yelling, “In your FACE, Dallas!”
13> Arrives at your wedding in a sleeveless tuxedo.
12> Your morning newspaper rockets through the picture window,
blasts out the sliding doors and does a perfect swan dive into the
neighbors’ stagnant kiddie pool.
11> Last year: Dade County macrame champion.
This year: all-time MLB RBI champion.
10> Asking your wife, “What’s for dinner?” now earns you a snort
and repetitive pawing at the dirt.
9> When raising the host, Father O’Malley now strikes
a body-builder pose.
8> Johnny’s mom gives all eight kids on the soccer
team a ride to practice — piggyback.
7> Grandma’s latest hobby: crocheting trawling nets
for tuna boats.
6> When your wife gets a wobbly-wheeled cart at the
supermarket, she just picks it up and carries it around like a hand
basket.
5> Manages to work “testicle size is overrated” into
every conversation.
4> He’s far and away the best player on his T-ball
team — and the *only* one with a beard.
3> Kicks your mailbox off its post, then says, “I’ll
ask again: How many boxes of Thin Mints shall I put you down for?”
2> The Starbucks barista has taken to grinding the
beans for your latte in his teeth.
1> Just went 4-for-5 with three homers against Randy
Johnson — while on her period.
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]