Green Egg On His Face

(A way to explain the Clinton situation to your kids)

The Bubba of Scuz
And the Bimbo of Loo,
were sharing a pizza
with nothing to do.

They sat and they talked,
Although little was said.
So they dabbled in
bumblefunumpus instead.

(Which cannot be explained
and is never polite)
Whether done in the daylight
or darkness of night.

But the Bubba of Scuz
was a Loyalty Scout.
Which meant that with Bimbos,
funumping was out.

The Loyalty Scouts
(an unusual breed)
thought that telling the truth
was the best of good deeds.

If ever you slipped
into trouble so deep
that you thought that a lie
was the best way to keep

your brains in your head
and your seat in your pants,
a Loyalty Scout would say,
“Don’t take the chance!”

A Splonger named Ken
had been watching the glade,
where the Bubba and Bimbo
funumped in the shade.

“At last,” said the Splong
(a responsible guy)
“I now have what I need
to entice him to lie.”

The Bubba of Scuz
was then pressured to tell
of the things he had done
in the glade by the dell.

“Did you yert with palookas?
Or miff some goopats?
I heard that you fleegered
a blooper with gnats!”

“I have done no such thing,”
said the Bubba of Scuz.
“Those things aren’t the things
that a Scuz Bubba does.”

“But what about Bimbos?”
Inquired the Splong.
“Funumping with Bimbos
is equally wrong!”

“I never funumped
with the Bimbo of Loo.
If you say that I did,
what you say isn’t true.”

Except that it was,
bringing Bubba up short,
when the Splonger named Ken
made his final report.

So take this advice
when you’re feeling ashamed.
Stick to the truth
or you’ll wind up defamed.

The Loyalty Scouts
will muster you out.
Your good friends will wonder
what you are about.

And history’s scribes,
remembering you
will skip all the good
you endeavored to do.

Like the Bubba of Scuz
who, ’til history’s end,
will be linked to his Bimbo
and the Splonger named Ken.

Dating a Vampire – Pros and Cons

Pro
Long relationships Allowed to stay out late Easy weight loss Centuries of experience Immune to all venereal diseases Always has amazing stamina Loves neck nibbling Rarely interested in arguing religion Never comes home with garlic breath Don’t have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.

Con

Spend your time in a hypnotic daze Parents can be hell You always feel tired (loss of blood) Oral sex can be lethal Always has cold feet (and blood) Never able to spend the day in bed Pet names that give you chills Strange friends Giggles at funerals Hard to win an argument No romantic sunsets May forget own strength during orgasm

Hooker on the Boardwalk

A guy’s walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker.He says, “How much?”She says “Twenty bucks.” He says, “All right.”They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her.The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he’s banging her, she blasts two incredible farts.When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars.She says, “What’s the extra five?”He says, “That’s for blowing the sand off my balls.”

Bill Gates Meets St. Peter

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.
St Peter: Well, you’ve got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots’s of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord .
He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: Look, I know you’re really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.
St Peter: No worries. You’ve got it.
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can’t figure it out.
Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?
St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the beta version

The Top 10 New Slogans for the Democratic Party

10 Okay, he’s a hound — But he’s OUR hound!9 Vote for Our Guy or These Dole Viagra Pictures Hit the Internet8 If the Dome is A-Rockin’, Don’t Come A-Knockin’!7 When the Going Gets Tough, We Bomb Iraq.6 So Spank Us!5 It’s Not Our Fault All the Good Ones Get Shot4 Our Pants May Fall, But Your 401(K) Value Won’t!3 Felonies Dismissed While You Wait2 You’re so pretty, come on over here and give us a vote, Darlin’!!1 Laid in America

Airline Panic

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,”Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH NO !Silence.Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,”Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

Hab�a una vez dos se�oritas

Hab�a una vez dos se�oritas que eran las mejores amigas, y decidieron casarse el mismo d�a.

Cuando se fueron a su luna de miel, las dos decidieron quedarse en el mismo hotel para poderse ver por las ventanas y contarse c�mo les hab�a ido en su primera noche de bodas…

Al otro d�a una le pregunta a la otra, “�que tal te fue en tu primera noche?”

“El me quit� la ropa.”

“El tambi�n.”

“El se acost� en la cama conmigo y me gust�.”

“A m� tambi�n”, contest� nuevamente la otra chica…

Y as� se estuvieron contando todo lo que les hab�a pasado, hasta que uno de los novios le dijo a una de ellas: “Ya deja de estar gritando por la ventana cont�ndole como te fue en tu primera noche, mejor ll�mala…”

Entonces la chica le dice a la otra: “LLAMAME”.

Y la otra le contesta:

“�YO TAMBIEN!”

Rubbing Her The Right Way

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his
mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a
man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into
her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his
bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a
bike!”

Ghosts

A visiting professor at Clemson University is giving a seminar
on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
“How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students
raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40
students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”–15 students raise
their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?”–3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is
astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,
“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up
here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his
way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what
it’s like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, “Ghost?!?”

“Dang it, I thought you said ‘goats’.”