They are wicked they are mean
They make you clean
They embarrass you
They dress you
They clean your face with spit
Snap your underwear in a public place
And then they wonder
Why did I get a fifty cent brithday gift
Most can not cook
So you sit and look
But you can’t leave
Till you eat the last pea
But worst of all
They mak you go to school
Don’t you love your mom?
Author: admin
Benefits of Being Female
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.
We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions… and it’s much easier for us to get “some” in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers……
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
Taxis stop for us.
We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Fast Golfer
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”
Q: How many Leos
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
Flying low!
A blonde and a brunette were walking through a park when the blonde said “Awww look at that poor dead bird!!!” The blonde looked up and said “Where?”!!!
The top 10 most creative ways to get suspended.
10)Kidnap a teacher. Force them to listen to a tape of
themselves until they go insane.
9) Start a bonfire using all of the schools textbooks.
8) Go around your school claiming you are the result of a
science experement gone horribly wrong. Then foam at the mouth.
Watch the fun!!
7) Seize control of the PA system for one day. Let out the dark
secrets of the administrators in the school.
6) Join the school newspaper and reveal the true mystery behind
“Mystery meat.”
5) Release Livestock into the building
4) Put Jello in all of the schools toilets.
3) Go up to the vice principal. Pat him on the back and say
“It’s ok. I promise I won’t tell anyone that you used to be a
woman.” Then wink at him and walk away.
2) If you are taking a test, answer all the questions in a
foriegn language. When the teacher asks about this, argue that
there is no english requirement.
1) Pull the fire alarm during a tornado warning.
Loves fishing
This newlywed couple decides to go to a lake resort for their honeymoon. During check in, they explain to the desk clerk that they are on their honeymoon and would like a suite. After paying the couple heads up to their room. Only 10 minutes go by and the husband is down at the desk asking to rent a fishing pole. The clerk was shocked to see the man wanting to go fishing on his honeymoon. The clerk told the man: “I would be up there with your wife, it’s your honeymoon.” The man replied: “My wife has herpes, besides I really love to fish.” The clerk tells the man: “There’s other thing you can do on your honeymmon you know” The man replied: “I know, but she also has hemmoroids and gum disease, besides I really love to fish. The clerk then asks: “If your wife has so many things wrong with her why did you marry her?” The man replied: “She also has worms, and like I said “I really love to fish.”
Where Is Jesus Christ
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because
of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long
time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is
Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know!
I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for
a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you
still in there?!'”
You’ve ever hit a deer
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Bimbogate Quotes
The reason it’s always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it’s usually three different stories. –Sam DonaldsonIf the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he’d even have my vote. –Newt GingrichWhat’s wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing. –Kenneth StarrThe special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury. –Monica LewinskyShouldn’t the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster? –Marv AlbertThe president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern. –OJ SimpsonIf I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn’t have sex with the president, I’d never get any of my own work done. –Vernon JordanThe president should take up skiing. –Al GoreIf you’re looking for me this week, I’ll be in the bunker. –Saddam HusseinPracticing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked. –George StephanopoulosIn last week’s Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper. –Madeliene ‘Aunt Bea’ Albright
Palestinian Sex Doll
I went to a Sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian Sex doll.
When I got it home, it blew itself up.
Chainsaw
This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some
trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about
various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day.”
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees.After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and
cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it
would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and
explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim,
removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it
looks fine.”
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man
responds, “What’s that noise?