![[Image]](http://www.jokeindex.com/images/catflip.jpg)
Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!
Author: admin
Language Differences
DICTIONARY
FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish
49
Adventurous
Slept with everyone
Athletic
No tits
Average looking
Ugly
Beautiful
Pathological liar
Contagious
Smile
Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure
On medication
Feminist
Fat
Free spirit
Junkie
Friendship
first
Former slut
Fun
Annoying
New-Age
Body hair in
the wrong places
Old-fashioned
No BJs
Open-minded
Desperate
Outgoing
Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate
Sloppy drunk
Professional
Bitch
Voluptuous
Very Fat
Large frame
Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate
Stalker
WOMEN’S
ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?
MEN’S
ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you!
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you!
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with
you!
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you!
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay!
Italian women
how do italian women hold there liquer? by the ears…..
Lawyer One Liners #1
** How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.** How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.** How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
Disney World & Viagra
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Your Momma’s So Fat..
Your momma’s so fat the only time she sees “90210” is when she’s on a scale.
Why is there no Wal-Mart in Iraq?…
Why is there no Wal-Mart in Iraq?
Because everywhere is Target!
Organization
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they’ve left early, put them in Purchasing.
Un se�or llegua a un
Un se�or llegua a un bar a las 9:00 pm, y le pide al cantinero una cerveza. Cuando termina, pide otra y as� sigue hasta las 11:00 pm.
El tipo casi borracho pide otra cerveza m�s, y de repente le entran las ganas de orinar, y para no llevarse la cerveza al ba�o escribe una nota diciendo: “ESCUPI EN LA CERVEZA”.
Cuando termina de hacer sus nececidades, y al regresar a su antiguo puesto, donde se localizaba la cerveza, encontra otra nota diciendo: “YO TAMBIEN.”
A Dictionary for Women
Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning – and you don’t know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit “inquire.”
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus, breath push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear…!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers”.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself …anyway.
Education for women
Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
For rent
A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.00.
When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have any cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling it “Rent For Apartment.”
On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was not worth the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a note with a check for $250.00 and enclosed the following note:
Dear madam,
Enclosed, you should find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. It was small.
Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear sir,
I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how turn it on. And if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, don’t blame me.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing