A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV-‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”
Author: admin
Love, Lust, Marriage
LOVE —– When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST —– When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room. LOVE —– When intercourse is called ‘making love.’ LUST —– When intercourse is called ‘screwing.’ MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about? LOVE —– When you argue over how many children to have. LUST —– When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE – When you argue over money. LOVE —– When you share everything you own. LUST —– When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything. LOVE —– When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax. LUST —– When the relationship is over if you don’t climax. MARRIAGE – What’s a climax? LOVE —– When you phone each other just to say, ‘Hi.’ LUST —– When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch. LOVE —– When you write poems about your partner. LUST —– When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks. LOVE —– When you show concern for your partner’s feelings. LUST —– When you couldn’t give a shit. MARRIAGE – When your only concern is what’s on TV. LOVE —– When your farewell is ‘I love you, darling…’ LUST —– When your farewell is ‘So, same time next week…’ MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief. LOVE —– When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST —– When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake. LOVE —– When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST —– When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties every time you see them. LOVE —– When nobody else matters. LUST —– When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows. LOVE —– When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST —– When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio. LOVE —– When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST —– When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought. LOVE —– When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST —– When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.
Jumping off a building
why did 3 blondes jump off a building?
to see if there maxi- pads really had wings
Looking for some help…
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”
The Cesium song 11
Cesium Glows(Tune, Love’s a Rose – Neil Young)Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,It’s fire grows when it’s on the tongue.Lips full of holes, you’ll know you’ve kissed it,Just take a bite if you want to die young.I want to see what’s never been seen,I want to dream that Cesium dream.Come on love, we can glow together,Let’s eat it all right now.Take a bite right now.I want to lie in a hole in the ground,Six feet deep, and twelve feet ’round.Sky blue light around me shinin’,Pale blue worms upon me dinin’.Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,It’s fire grows when its on your tongue.Mouth full of holes if ever you kiss it,Gimme a spoon ’cause I wanna die Young.—Songs of Cesium #109
Betty Crocker
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, ‘Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?’ Her husband snarled, ‘What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?’ and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, ‘Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me?’ Once again, he growled, ‘What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?’
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, ‘Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check on it?’ And again was met with a snarl, ‘What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?’
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, ‘Honey, I had the repairmen out today.’ He frowned, ‘Well, how much is that going to cost?’ ‘Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.’
‘Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?’ he asked. She smiled. ‘What do I look like? Betty Crocker?’
Iba un estadounidense con un
Iba un estadounidense con un tontiland�s en un barco, cuando de repente el gringo se cae al agua y comienza a gritar:
“�Help! �Help!”
Y el tontiland�s responde:
“A joder, gel no tengo pero si quieres te puedo dar spray.”
Intelligence is a tool to
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. – Larry Niven ‘Protector’
The important thing is never to stop questioning….
The important thing is never to stop questioning.
– Albert Einstein
Masturbate?
Why do men masturbate?
It’s sex with someone they love.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Special Ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”
The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”
“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”
“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”
“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”
“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”
“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”
“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”
“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”
The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”
“I found it.”
A letter to Santa
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”