Real programmers don’t grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don’t know any other language.
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Clinton and a lightb
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Zero. He only screws interns.
Looking for some help…
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”
Did you hear about the
Did you hear about the guy who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?
Meals on Wheels
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, “Welcome. Is there anything you didn’t have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?”.The cat thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?”. St. Peter arranged for it.Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, “Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?” St. Peter of course granted their wish.About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, “I like it alot, but I really enjoy those ‘Meals on Wheels'”.
The Top 16 Poor Responses to the Question “Does This Make Me Look Fat?”
16> “Not to Stevie Wonder.”
15> “Big time! That’s why I’m sleeping with your best friend.”
14> “Does this tie make me look stupid?”
13> “No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!”
12> “I guess there’s not much point in asking if you mean fat with an ‘f’ or phat with a ‘ph.'”
11> “No hablo ingles.”
10> “Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out.”
9> “No, but taking it *off* sure does.”
8> “If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won.”
7> “Okay, listen: What’s important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make.”
6> “Not if you were travelling at the speed of light.”
5> “Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity.”
4> “Let me jog around to your front and take a look.”
3> “No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains.”
2> “Whoa! A talking couch!!”
1> “May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Holy Doctors
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why? So he can make a new hole!
A midget fortune teller
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.
The Cesium song 11
Cesium Glows(Tune, Love’s a Rose – Neil Young)Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,It’s fire grows when it’s on the tongue.Lips full of holes, you’ll know you’ve kissed it,Just take a bite if you want to die young.I want to see what’s never been seen,I want to dream that Cesium dream.Come on love, we can glow together,Let’s eat it all right now.Take a bite right now.I want to lie in a hole in the ground,Six feet deep, and twelve feet ’round.Sky blue light around me shinin’,Pale blue worms upon me dinin’.Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,It’s fire grows when its on your tongue.Mouth full of holes if ever you kiss it,Gimme a spoon ’cause I wanna die Young.—Songs of Cesium #109
Jumping off a building
why did 3 blondes jump off a building?
to see if there maxi- pads really had wings
Special Ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”
The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”
“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”
“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”
“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”
“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”
“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”
“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”
“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”
The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”
“I found it.”
Intelligence is a tool to
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. – Larry Niven ‘Protector’