Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Author: admin
The Rabbit and the Snake
There’s a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn’t know what he is, because he can’t see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, ‘Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.’ The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, ‘Come here and I will try to determine what you are.’ The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, ‘You’re cold and slimy and don’t have any balls. You must be a lawyer.’
What goes clip clop, clip
What goes clip clop, clip clop, bang?
– An Amish drive-by shooting.
Conversation between Room Service and guest in Asian Hotel. Read Aloud for maximum entertainment
Conversation between Room Service and guest in Asian Hotel. Read Aloud for maximum entertainment
Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
RS: Rye . . . Ruin sorbees . . . morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh . . . yes . . . I’d like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July den?
G: What??
RS: Ow July den? . . . pry, boy, pooch?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow July dee bayhcem . . . crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS : Hokay. An San tos?
G: What?
RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don’t think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I dont know what
“judo one toes” means.
RS: Toes! toes! . . . why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?
G: English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying “Toast.”
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No . . . just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter . . . just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy . . . tea . . . mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy . . . rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G : You’re welcome.
Does Ya Dick Touch Ya Bum
John, who’s 7 asks his dad, “Dad, can you buy me a bike?” and
his dad said, “Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?” and the kid
replied “no”
“Well Theres your answer mate” A couple of years later when
johns 10 he asks his dad “Dad, Can you buy me a skateboard?”
once again he replied “Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?” and
then once again his son replied “no” “Well there is your answer
then” His dad said. Years later when john was 16 he came to his
father again and asked “Dad can you buy me a motorbike?” for the
last time his Dad replied “SON!, DOES YOUR DICK TOUCH YOUR BUM?”
and Johnny said “no it doesnt” “WELL THERES YOUR ANSWER.” 5
years later when Johnny was 21 he won lotto.
His Dad asked him “John, Its been abit of a hard year out on the
farm, do ya think we can can have some money?” “Well Dad, Does
ya Dick touch ya bum?” “Well son actually it does”
“WELL DAD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!”
Gotta Fly
During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet’s engines were on fire. He began shouting that the engines were on fire, and pretty soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic.
Whereupon the pilot appeared in the doorway to the passenger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back.
“Don’t worry, folks,” he said cheerfully. “I’m going for help.”
Diplomacy is the art of
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice doggy’ until you can find a rock.
The Moose
A moose walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face, buddy?”The moose says, “You’d have a long face too if you had sex only once a year!”
“I always try to avoid
“I always try to avoid cliche’s like the plague!”
-Rev. Wang Zeep
Bar Joke
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose
selling point was that it was on top of the largest
skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the
bartender for a Jack Daniel’s. He downs it, and then takes
a running leap out the window. Much to everybody’s
surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window
back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks
the man how he did it.
“Easy,” says the man. “Outside this window are some very
strong wind currents which can carry you back to the
window.”
“Wow,” says the man at the bar. “I gotta try this.” He
takes a running leap out the window and falls to a
horrible, bloody, and flat death.
“Geez, Superman,” says the bartender. “You can be a real a
jerk when you’re drunk.”
Nagging Wife
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, �Where have you been?�
�I’ve been to the pub,� slurs the drunk.
�Well,� says the cop, �it looks like you’ve had quite a few.�
�I did alright,� the drunk says with a smile.
�Did you know,� says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, �that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?�
�Oh, thank heavens,� sighs the drunk. �For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.�
Bar Flies
A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly
swatter.
“Have you gotten any?” he asked.
The clerk replied, “Yeah. Three males and two females.”
“How do you tell the difference?” the man asked curiously.
“Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!”