Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Author: admin
The Top 14 Hidden Items in the New U.S. Budget
14. $12,500 for 535 subscriptions to “Cigar Aficionado”
13. $75,000 for “Environmental Cleanup” (Oval Office Scotchguard Applicator)
12. $1 million for research to determine how to pronounce “Slobodan Milosevic”
11. $18 to renew Jesse Helms’s subscription to Spice Girls Magazine, buried in the Senate food budget under “Condiments”
10. $129,112 for maintenance and upkeep on Animatronic Al Gore
9. $150,000 Senate basement renovation, including tunnel to Hooters
8. $50 million for Independent Counsel to begin investigation of any Democrat who might ever consider running for president
7. $150,000 for formaldehyde IV for Strom Thurmond
6. $15 for Buddy’s new leash, and $150 for Bubba’s, under “Budgetary Restraints”
5. $18,500 for a new pick-up truck for Janet Reno
4. $10,000 for funding of the Annual Tip O’Neill Memorial CornDog-eating Contest on the Senate floor
3. $1.29 to get Arafat his *own* tin of Altoids
2. $2 billion offer for New Jersey to leave the United States — no questions asked
1. $50,000 toilet seat? Check. $85,000 lug wrench? Check. $40 million porn novel? Check.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Yo momma so fat
yo momma fat that she got different times zones
Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith
Mr. Jones: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell in the wishing well.
Mr. Smith: So it works!
Nagging Wife
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, �Where have you been?�
�I’ve been to the pub,� slurs the drunk.
�Well,� says the cop, �it looks like you’ve had quite a few.�
�I did alright,� the drunk says with a smile.
�Did you know,� says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, �that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?�
�Oh, thank heavens,� sighs the drunk. �For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.�
Jury fixing
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
Bar Joke
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose
selling point was that it was on top of the largest
skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the
bartender for a Jack Daniel’s. He downs it, and then takes
a running leap out the window. Much to everybody’s
surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window
back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks
the man how he did it.
“Easy,” says the man. “Outside this window are some very
strong wind currents which can carry you back to the
window.”
“Wow,” says the man at the bar. “I gotta try this.” He
takes a running leap out the window and falls to a
horrible, bloody, and flat death.
“Geez, Superman,” says the bartender. “You can be a real a
jerk when you’re drunk.”
The Rabbit and the Snake
There’s a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn’t know what he is, because he can’t see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, ‘Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.’ The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, ‘Come here and I will try to determine what you are.’ The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, ‘You’re cold and slimy and don’t have any balls. You must be a lawyer.’
Un borracho entra en un
Un borracho entra en un bar; se acerca a la barra y pide una cerveza. Mientras se la bebe dice en voz alta y muy embriagado:
“Todos los que est�n a mi derecha de la barra son unos imb�ciles. Y todos los que est�n a mi izquierda son unos gilipollas”.
Salta uno de los de su izquierda y reclama:
“�Perdona, pero yo no soy un gilipollas!”
“Pues pasa al otro lado, �IMB�CIL!
Does Ya Dick Touch Ya Bum
John, who’s 7 asks his dad, “Dad, can you buy me a bike?” and
his dad said, “Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?” and the kid
replied “no”
“Well Theres your answer mate” A couple of years later when
johns 10 he asks his dad “Dad, Can you buy me a skateboard?”
once again he replied “Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?” and
then once again his son replied “no” “Well there is your answer
then” His dad said. Years later when john was 16 he came to his
father again and asked “Dad can you buy me a motorbike?” for the
last time his Dad replied “SON!, DOES YOUR DICK TOUCH YOUR BUM?”
and Johnny said “no it doesnt” “WELL THERES YOUR ANSWER.” 5
years later when Johnny was 21 he won lotto.
His Dad asked him “John, Its been abit of a hard year out on the
farm, do ya think we can can have some money?” “Well Dad, Does
ya Dick touch ya bum?” “Well son actually it does”
“WELL DAD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!”
Your momma
yo mama so fat that when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the pasific ocean
yo mama is so old that she has jesus in her year book
yo mama is so old that when god said let there be light, she flicked a switch
yo mama is so poor that when i walk through the front door i was at the back porch
yo mama is so poor that when i asked wats for dinner, she put her foot on the table and said corn
yo mama is like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, she blows, and she gets laid in the closet all the time
Q. What’s the difference
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golfball.