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The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time.
Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, “All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!”
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse’s back and fell off the other side.
Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, “All right, just half of you this time!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.”Why are you crying?” the father asked.”Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.
Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he’s from in New Zealand and he tells her: “Nelson”.
“So am I… What suburb in Nelson?”
“Wakatu” he replies.
“That’s amazing…” she says, “So am I – what Street?”
“Leach Place” he replies.
“This is unbelievable…” she says,”What number?”
He says “Number 7” and she is totally astonished.
“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 9! My parents still live there!”
“I know…” he says, “Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”
HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!
Good on ya mate
This wife has been married for seven years and has
six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes
to talk to her priest, the priest tells her to go and
by a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it of a night,
she thanks him and goes off to do as he says.
Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough
she is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed
his instructions, she said yes but that she could not find
a ten gallon bucket so she bought two five gallon buckets.
I was sat at home yesterday wondering why a frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets to you…
Then it hit me
I read somewhere that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.
I went into the local butchers before and the butcher said to me I bet you �2 you cant reach those pieces of meat
I said I Wont bet.
He said why not.
I said the steaks are too high.
Shaba
A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly
swatter.
“Have you gotten any?” he asked.
The clerk replied, “Yeah. Three males and two females.”
“How do you tell the difference?” the man asked curiously.
“Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!”
The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when
a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.
The young driver jumped out and said: “Sorry Pops, but you’ve got to be young
and smart to do that.”
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched
the sports car into a crumpled heap.
“Sorry son, you’ve got to be old and rich to do that!”
Yo’ mama so dumb, when she filled out her job application and it said �sex,�
she wrote �not lately.�
The instructor of a Lamaze class is teaching the young couples how to breathe properly during delivery.
The teacher announces, �Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn�t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.�
The room gets quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raises his hand.
�Yes?� the teacher asks.
The man asks, �Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Your mama’s so fat when she dances the record skips…at the radio station.
Mr. Jones: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell in the wishing well.
Mr. Smith: So it works!
John, who’s 7 asks his dad, “Dad, can you buy me a bike?” and
his dad said, “Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?” and the kid
replied “no”
“Well Theres your answer mate” A couple of years later when
johns 10 he asks his dad “Dad, Can you buy me a skateboard?”
once again he replied “Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?” and
then once again his son replied “no” “Well there is your answer
then” His dad said. Years later when john was 16 he came to his
father again and asked “Dad can you buy me a motorbike?” for the
last time his Dad replied “SON!, DOES YOUR DICK TOUCH YOUR BUM?”
and Johnny said “no it doesnt” “WELL THERES YOUR ANSWER.” 5
years later when Johnny was 21 he won lotto.
His Dad asked him “John, Its been abit of a hard year out on the
farm, do ya think we can can have some money?” “Well Dad, Does
ya Dick touch ya bum?” “Well son actually it does”
“WELL DAD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!”