Deep freeze

A man walks into a drug store.

He walks up to the counter and asks for a box of condoms.

After paying, he takes the condoms and walks out the door.

A few blocks up the street the man walks into an ice cream shop.

He pulls out a condom and says to the waiter, “Could you fill this up with ice cream please?”

The waiter is rather surprised, but thinks that as long as the man pays, who cares what he gets the ice cream in.

So the waiter fills the condom with ice cream, and hands it back to the man.

His curiosity gets the better of him so he asks, “I’m curious to know why you want the ice cream in a condom, of all things!”

The man replies “Well, it’s my wife�s birthday today and all week she has been dropping hints about getting a deep freeze, and anything my wife wants, she’s going to get!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Quiz For My Smart Friends

This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a ‘professional smart person’ by your friends.
You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.

1)How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator?
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Answer: Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.

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2)How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator?
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Answer: Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

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3)The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend?
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Answer:The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator.

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4)You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it?
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Answer:You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.

El indio chico le pregunta

El indio chico le pregunta al pap� indio:

“Pap�, decirme �c�mo hacer t� para ponerle nombre a mi hermano mayor?”

“Bueno,” responde el pap� indio, “cuando nacer tu hermano, lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser un �guila blanca volando, as� es que ponerle a tu hermano Aguila Blanca.”

“�Y c�mo hacerlo con mi hermana?” pregunta el indio chico.

“Bueno, cuando nacer tu hermana lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser una flor silvestre, por eso ponerle a tu hermana Flor Silvestre. �Pero, porque hacerme estas preguntas Perro Culiando?”

Scientific Correctness: Zippy Travel

Here is the report on our SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEY. The question was:

Is faster-than-light travel possible?

This survey drew an onslaught of opinions.

The vote was a landslide (72%) for the YES side. Thus, another controversy is put to rest. Henceforth, it will be scientifically correct to believe that faster-than-light travel is possible.

Opinions ranged from positive to negative, and from simple (“Yes”) to hideously complex. While the results are interesting, the variety of methods used to obtain them is dazzling.
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Some readers used fuzzy logic:
I have never really believed that light actually goes at the speed of light. Have we any proof? I worked out that it should go at root two times the speed of light (c) making the constant itself irrelevant.
–Graeme Winter
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Other readers used higher-level fuzzy logic:
This is an interesting question, coincidentally I was driving through a Minnesota blizzard last week when my wife told me to slow down because I was ‘over driving my headlights.’ I was so excited I almost spilled my coffee because I thought that she meant I was traveling faster than the speed of light, but then I realized that she meant that because of the poor conditions, the stopping distance for my car was greater than my visibility.
–Don Berryman
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One reader used tangential logic:
Since light has yet to dawn on school boards here in Texas, we are unable to answer this question.
–Julia Frugoli
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Some took a theoretical bent:

Yes, but no matter what the destination, you always arrive at night.
–Dick Baker

My fraternity brother Charles Jones (MIT ’63) created a faster- than-light vehicle in 1960. A beam of light is reflected in a mirror. Approaching the mirror, the light’s velocity is (+)c. After reflection it is -c. Ergo at the instant of reflection, its velocity is 0. When the vehicle passes the mirror, it goes faster than light.
–A. D. Snider
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Others relied on advanced theories:

Faster than light travel IS possible but only if you are facing backwards.
–Charles Belair

It depends on how fast the light is going.
–Michael Castleman
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Some readers cited empirical evidence:

Of course. It is demonstrated every week in “Star Trek: The Next Generation”. They also demonstrate crystal power, telepathy, reversal of the polarity of neutron fluxes in starboard power couplings, and other facets of modern science.
–Stephen Trier

No. No no no no no no. Most people think Star Trek has solved the problem of faster-than-light travel. I am much more fascinated by Star Trek’s solution to the sound-in-a-vacuum problem.
–Karen Lingel

“Yes!” E-mail uses delivery through electrical circuits, therefore traveling at the speed of light (one of the reasons for its popularity over the historically traditional US Postal “Service”). America OnLine uses these same electrical circuits. It is well known that almost anything travels faster than AOL these days.
–G. Borochoff
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Not everyone relied on intellectual arguments. Two readers, Charlie Cerf and Peter Thorp, sent in variants of the same classical argument:
There was a young lady called Bright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night
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Practical experience, too, was useful in solving the question:

Of course faster-than-light travel is possible. However, the probability that your luggage will wind up at the wrong destination increases as the cube of the velocity.
–Bob O’Hara

Yes. Faster than light travel is possible and can be readily demonstrated by making the mistake of having two dates show up at your place at the same time. I’ve done this and witnessed first hand the flight, which happens so fast that you can’t see it.
–P. Hughes

Yes, but tickets must be purchased at least three weeks in advance and a Saturday night stay is required.
–Kristina Pawlikowski

After my cat decided it was play time at AM, he was forcefully accelerated from the bed. Quickly, his velocity reached the of light resulting in a mid-air white hot flash of spontaneous combustion (matter to energy.) Conversely, all internal energies (neuroelectrical, biochemical, etc.) were converted to matter. A strange ash covered the room, very similar to scoopable litter. The other possibility is that he landed on my camera equipment and has been hiding ever since.
–Don Copeland
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Finally, one response defied categorization: Of course, as a physics teacher I tell my students that faster- than-light travel is impossible, but that’s just to crush their spirits.
–LaNelle Ohlhausen

Optimist and Pessimist gifts

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.”Why are you crying?” the father asked.”Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Gone fishing

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”

He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that’s the way they’ve always done it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.

And that’s how company policy begins….

She’s a bleeder

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.”Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?””Well,” the doctor answered, “haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?” the doctor inquired.After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.”