Are You Dead

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not,” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife answers, “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

Clitoris Like Mellon

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on “The Variation of the Clitoris”.

“One of the most unusual cases I ever came across,” he told his audience, “was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon.”

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: “I wasn’t referring to size but to taste.”

Travel with a horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

Panda In A Bar

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a Panda! Look it up!”The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Good on ya mate

A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he’s from in New Zealand and he tells her: “Nelson”.

“So am I… What suburb in Nelson?”

“Wakatu” he replies.

“That’s amazing…” she says, “So am I – what Street?”

“Leach Place” he replies.

“This is unbelievable…” she says,”What number?”

He says “Number 7” and she is totally astonished.

“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 9! My parents still live there!”

“I know…” he says, “Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”

HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!

Good on ya mate

Smelling the fork

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that’s the way they’ve always done it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.

And that’s how company policy begins….