What is the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?
A: The prostitute will STOP fucking you when you are dead
Author: admin
Travel with a horse
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
Buy a Tractor
I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.”That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”
X marks the spot
Two men are out fishing and they are having great luck. They are catching so fast, they have to go back early.
“This is so great,” says the first guy. “We should mark the spot so we can come here again.”
“You’re right,” says the other guy who then dives over the side and paints a big X on the bottom of the boat.
They head back to shore and just as they’re about to dock, the first guy looks at the second guy and says, “But what if we don’t get the same boat next time?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations…
- Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations
- The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one
foot greater than your jumping range.
Life in the old dog yet?
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one
night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to
share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on
top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I
will heal you.”
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one
hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her
husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his
other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not
raising the dead.”
Your momma
Your momma is so stupid she bought a glass door with a peep hole.
Knock Knock 77
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Grapes!
Grapes who!
Grapes suzette!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Gravy!
Gravy who!
Gravy Crockett!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Greg!
Greg who?
Gregs of Wrath!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Greta!
Greta who!
Greta job!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Greta!
Greta who!
You Greta on my nerves!
Letter from College
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date
now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don’t read any further unless you
are sitting down …
OK?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three
headaches a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department
and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to
live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a
very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven’t set the exact date yet, but I’m sure it will be before I start to
show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion
and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our
marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from
passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This
will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will
welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well
educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than
ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won’t
mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him
as I do.
His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important
gunbearer in his native African village.
I guess that’s it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know
… There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture,
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.
However, I am getting a “D” in History and an “F” in Science, and I wanted you
to see these marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great…I love it, though I miss you both terribly…and
Socks, too!
P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.
Are You Dead
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”
“Why not,” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”
The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”
Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”
His wife answers, “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”
Box Of Condoms
A blonde goes to the drugstore to pick up a box of condoms for her and her boyfriend. The clerk rings them up, and asks for $1.06.The blonde says “I thought they were only a dollar.”The clerk says that the 6 cents is for the tax.The blonde gets all wide eyed and says “Oh, is that how you keep em on?!”
Ants
A priest comes out of the church to find a young boy sitting on the steps. The boy is killing ants by smashing them with his thumb, saying, “Fucking ants,” with each smash.
The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to the boy. “What are you doing!?!?!” the priest shouts at the boy.
“I’m killing these fucking ants,” responds the boy.
Visibly upset, the priest sits next to the boy. “My son, don’t you know that it is wrong to harm any of God’s creatures? God created every living being and it is a sin to kill any of them, including ants.”
The boy thinks about this a minute and says to the priest, “But these ants don’t do anything. They just bother people.”
The priest responds, “Everything in life has a purpose my son, including these ants. I want you to go home and think about that. In fact, I challenge you to come back here in one week and see if you can think of three things in life that do not have a purpose.”
One week passes and the priest emerges from the church to find the same little boy sitting on the steps, smashing ants with his thumb, reciting the same, “Fucking ants,” phrase.
The priest screams at the boy to stop. Rushing over to him, the priest says to the boy, “My son, I thought I told you that everything has a purpose and it is a sin to interfere with that purpose! Why are you killing these ants? Did you do as I instructed? Were you really able to think of three things in life that do not have a purpose?”
The boy looks up at the priest and says, “Yeah, I thought of three things that don’t have a purpose. Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking ants!”